A Parent Cheating on a Spouse Can Hurt Kids, Too

Everybody knows how much cheating can hurt a relationship and wreck a marriage. But when there are kids involved, it can also hurt them. Experts usually focus on the damage that occurs to children during and after divorce, when the other partner has discovered the infidelity. But damage can occur much sooner, during the affair itself.

The type of damage depends on the type of cheater. Unfaithful partners come in two basic types: the "accidental" cheater and the "serial" cheater. The accidental cheater may fall into an affair through unusual circumstances. Often, something is going wrong between the cheater and the other partner and the cheater looks for comfort (subconsciously or not) outside of the relationship. The serial cheater, on the other hand, cheats because he or she cannot or will not stay faithful to one person. The accidental cheater may stop after only one affair; the serial cheater won't stop, ever.

Damage varies according to the type of cheater. Accidental cheaters often feel great shame and guilt, so they cover up what they're doing. They hide it from both their partner and their kids, but it's the partner, not the children, finding out that is usually the deal-breaker. Should the child find out about the affair, the cheater may swear the child to secrecy, under the threat of "breaking up the marriage". Even if the cheater says nothing, the child may feel honor-bound to keep quiet to keep from rocking the boat. This puts the child in the terrible position of having to lie for one parent to the other.

The serial cheater may also cover up the affair and enlist the child in doing so. But some serial cheaters go further. They may confide in the child about their affairs and even introduce the child to their new girlfriends or boyfriends as surrogate parents. For the child, accepting the affair becomes part of being accepted by the cheating parent.