Why I Won't Date You

WHY I WON'T DATE YOU:

I'm not making any of this up. It all comes from my own experiences.

The word "single" on my profile under relationship status means I may or may not be involved with someone. Wouldn't you like to know??

Examples of messages that irk me:

"Hey, I thnik UR pic is hott."

Hmm... ok, thanks. Or were you thinking I would reply to you with something like "I lik UR pic 2. Let's hook up."

Sorry.

"I liek your profile. Will you be my girlfriend?"

If you live 14,343 miles away and I've never met you or ever talked to you online before, sorry but the answer is no, I will not be your girlfriend.

"I cnt speel but take a lok @ my profiel and tell me what u think."

I'm not a spelling or grammatical genius. But if I have trouble even making out a 2-3 word sentence that you write, you might want to look into going back to finish up that first grade education.

"How old R U? Where do U live?"

Well at this point I must assume that you can't read because that information is blatantly listed on my profile in the exact same place that it is listed on your profile and everyone else's profile for that matter.

"What does the word (insert big word here) mean? You use big words on your profile. You must be smart."

I'm a writer. My job is to have a bigger vocabulary than you. Do you know the difference between avarice and rapacity? Yes, they both mean greed. But avarice is the greed of one who has and rapacity is the greed of a beggar. There, now you are a little bit smarter.

"Will you marry me?"

I've gotten a lot of online marriage proposals. And I've only said yes once. So the odds are stacked against you.

"Are you into bdsm?"

Now if you were to walk up to a complete stranger in public and ask that question you would be luck if you didn't get a swift kick in the groin. So when you send me an im and ask me that and I either give you a terse reply or no reply at all, it is safe to assume that yes, you did offend me.

First Date
I'd rather jump off a 10 story building.

The following are real emails I have received. Someone help me, the world is being taken over by stupid people.

"Interesting profile.....happen to like older dominate men?"