How to Not Eat Fudge

The first step in not eating fudge is to not buy fudge. When you visit a quaint beach town, where every other store for 38 blocks sells no less than 22 varieties of hand-made fudge, do not go in the store. Don't go into the store under the pretense of only buying salt water taffy. The salt water taffy is merely and instrument used to get you to buy fudge. Do not fall for it.

If you must go in the store because, for example, your child went in unattended, or your husband is in there picking out the wrong flavors of taffy, or because it's raining outside and you don't have an umbrella, or because you think you spotted a rice cake and just want to check it out, stay away from the fudge counter.

Head to the back of the store where they stash the nasty candies with names like toxic waste, cry baby, viper blast, dragon fire, and atomic fizzion. Feign interest in the floor tiles or inspect the store front windows for fingerprints. Do not look at the front of the store near the cash register where the spacious glass case houses 22 varieties of fudge, displayed in large, pan-shaped chunks.

If your husband left his wallet in the car and needs you to pay for the taffy and you place yourself, through no fault of your own, with in sniffing range of the 22 varieties of fudge, breathe through your mouth until you can safely exit the store. Do not, under any circumstances, look at the fudge.

Except of course you might happen to notice a particularly curious bit of fudge, creamy brown with orange swirls running through it. "What in the world is that?" you ask yourself. You've seen fudge with M&M's, rocky road fudge, fudge with green mint swirls and even white chocolate caramel swirl fudge. This orange swirl fudge is simply a mystery. Whatever you do, do not approach the fudge to get a closer look.