How to Avoid Becoming a Vampire

Are you aware that there are steps one can take to make sure one’s deceased loved ones avoid the fate of becoming a vampire? I’ll bet you never thought an article titled How to Avoid Becoming a Vampire would be anything other than a humor article. But this is serious stuff.

Toward the end of the first millennium AD, somewhere in the Kingdom of Bavaria, a monk named Constantine set to work on a compendium of methods that people must utilize in order to escape the tragedy of becoming a member of the walking dead. You have to understand that this was no idle enterprise. Constantine lived at the height of the Middle Ages when death lurked around every corner. If you lived long enough to start losing your hair and hearing you were a hero. Then there was the vampire threat, considered very much a realistic possibility. Before you laugh at this medieval nonsense, consider this: most polls suggest that a slight majority of Americans believe in the existence of ghosts. Since no one has ever offered up incontrovertible proof of either vampires or ghosts actually existing, have we really progressed as much as we like to think?

Be that as it may, if you’re still interested in any tips available on how to avoid becoming a vampire, then here we go. Keep in mind, however, that Constantine wrote his book previous to Martin Luther nailing that piece of paper on the church door, so many of these tips will pay off only if you are of the Catholic persuasion.

For instance, tip number one: By all means, you should avoid being excommunicated. So, if you’re still planning on going to see The DaVinci Code just to see what all the hoopla is about, maybe you shouldn’t. I mean, you can’t get excommunicated for seeing The DaVinci Code just yet, but let’s face it, the College of Cardinals didn’t exact elect Doogie Howser as Pope. Who knows what crazy rules the next guy will create.