The History of Man

Imagine waking up one morning, a face full of sandpaper. It's shaving time. So you head to your sink, do all the initial preparations, and start scraping the blade across your face. Everything is going just fine, but when you wash off your face and take a look in the mirror you're 5 O'clock Shadow is now a full on mammoth of a beard! What's happened? Are you some sort of cruel part of nature's ubiquitous jokes? Why not at all! The simple fact is, you're so manly you have more hair after you shave than when you began.

Manliness is possibly one of the oldest institutions of thought in the world. Through the centuries manliness was siphoned off from the original source into different categories of men: The Lumberjack, The Pirate, and The Everyday Man (The Lumberjack and Pirate having the greatest amount of manliness).

According to Urban Dictionary, "Real Lumberjacks have an ax and existed long ago and wear flannel, suspenders, and pants. They have hairy faces and kick ass. They will cut down any forest easy, because they are awesome." In the days long gone, "Lumberjacks [were] raised by Cyclops's and learn[ed] all they need[ed] to know by the age of two" (Alphabet 97). These Lumberjacks of the past have been replaced with quite unmanly counterparts wielding chainsaws because they're too good for manual ax use. Modern Lumberjacks bring shame to the word Lumberjack. Most of them don't even have beards and I've even heard rumors that some of them shave their armpits, a most unmanly exercise.