Learn to Speak English the American Way

Having been around the world a few times and conquered a few tongues I had thought that I would have a lot less trouble being understood in a country where the native tongue was English. But that was not the case.

Even putting most obvious linguistical problems aside, such as differences in spelling, and my 'wee' bit of a Scottish dialect as well as Iowanisms, such as I come from across't' the briny sea, I still find that I have to think in American in order to be understood. Which makes me wonder why, after all these years, we can't have a language called 'American.' After all, no language is borne of itself and both English and Spanish were predominantly borne out of Latin.

On an average day I get up after taking my zeds, I mean zee's, and switch on the telly, or rather TV, I put on my knickers, I mean panties, my tights, or rather panty hose, and sometimes I wear a vest under my clothes, by which I mean T-shirt, then I put on my blouse, or is it a shirt, then my trousers, or rather my pants, and sometimes a waistcoat, which you call a vest, then comes my jumper, or rather my sweater, and finally my wellington boots, or are they galoshes, or perhaps rubber boots, and after a cupper, of coffee, not tea, I head for the toilet, or rather the rest room, but not for a rest, but to look for the toilet roll and not the tissue.

Once in the room where Americans rest, I hunt for the ear buds or cotton buds, or something like that, I rescue my false teeth, or rather my dentures, I check for spots, I mean zits, and under my oxters for what's unacceptable here, by which I mean under arm hair, I put on some cream, I mean lotion, and then some slap, by which I mean make-up, then I do my do, or do I fix my hair.

And, once I've finished preening, it's back to the sofa, or is it a couch, I put on my bum bag, or is it my 'fanny' pack. Anyway it is a word you wouldn't use loosely over there. I light up a 'fag,' I should say a ciggy, or is it a cigarette, or just a word you wouldn't use loosely over here. I open a fizzy juice, or a soda/pop and I grab the dog's lead, which you call a leash and I head for the door, and together we take out the rubbish, I mean trash.