The 5 Most Disappointing Moments in a Father's Life

5. The day the condom broke.

Ah, the good old days. Mom and dad were young and in love, taking every opportunity to show their affection for one another. That is, until a conversation similar to this could be overheard through the thin walls of their one-bedroom apartment:

"What?!? What do you mean it's broken?"

"It's got a huge hole in the tip. Listen, maybe it's not a big deal, what are the chances?"

"Woman, if you're pregnant, I'm leaving you."

4. The day you signed up for the dance team.

Despite dad's constant pressure to try out for the 8th grade baseball team, you decided to petition the school board to allow you on the dance squad. Mom fully supported you, and even enrolled you in a creative dance class at the Rec center. She also bought you your first leotard. Many years from now, you will look back upon this warm August day and struggle not to blame yourself for your father's alcoholism.

3. The first time you voted Democratic.

Your dad didn't raise you to be a flag burning, sodomizing, baby killing, Communist pothead, so how the hell did you turn out this way?
When he found out about your straight-ticket Democratic vote in the 2000 election, your dad invited you over for a BBQ dinner and a belt-lashing so epic that your ass cheeks still smell like brown rawhide leather to this day.

2. The day John Elway retired.

Dad was always a fan of the Broncos, and John Elway was like a brother to him. T0 your father, the day he came face-to-face with Elway at Denver's meet-and-greet was as close to salvation as he will ever come- short of meeting Jesus in line at the post office. Dad shed a tear the day Elway hung up his cleats, and it was the first time you'd ever seen him come close to crying. In fact, there are very few occasions when a man is permitted to cry without becoming the laughing stock of the male community. These occasions are strictly limited to the day his son hits his first homerun, the day his parents die, and when a great athlete announces his retirement.

1. The day you came out of the closet.