Columbus Day: The Ultimate Celebration for Slackers

Columbus Day is the perfect holiday. Most other holidays involve a family gathering or other self-destructive activity. Unlike these other days, Columbus Day does not involve ridiculous overeating, finger-removing explosions, or a dry tree decorated with combustibles. Like these other holidays, Columbus Day has an unbelievable fairy tale behind it. This tale tells of Columbus the visionary, the explorer, the brave. The real story is about a con-man who screwed up and still made a killing, literally.

It all started with a con
Columbus and his brother dreamed up the idea of bilking someone else for an around-the-world cruise back in Italy. It took them the better part of a decade and two countries before they found a mark. As with all scams, greed was the sales pitch. Faster travel to the Spice Islands and the prospect of undermining competitors dazzled the royal house of Spain. It is crucial to remember that finding a new route to the East Indies was Columbus' mission.

Evidence shows that Columbus knew the world was larger than maps of his time showed. Even the ancient Greeks had calculated a pretty fair estimate of the Earth's diameter. The only conclusion drawn is that the whole "Spice Islands" pitch was a ruse to get his hands on Spanish doubloons. Before he sailed, Columbus knew he was not getting to Java faster than anyone else, but he had months at sea to rehearse an excuse.

Even after screwing up Columbus had a job for life.
How did that conversation go down? Columbus convinced Queen Isabella to make him viceroy of the New World. That takes some smooth talking after totally screwing the pooch. I imagine Columbus had a "Mission Accomplished" banner nailed to the poop deck as he sailed back to Spain.

His audience with the queen was one of the best double-back, feet-shuffling, dance routines in history.

"And did you find our new route to the Spice Islands, Señor Columbus?"