The Woolly Mammoth Diet and Other Weight Loss Plans

It seems like every month there is a new diet fad sweeping the nation, probably because no human can live on Chrystal Lite and vegetable skins for more than thirty days, and when on the point of starvation, are forced to devour a whole chicken, half a chocolate cake, thirteen dinner roles, a box of cookies, and six ham sandwiches, ruining their diet and causing them to start the whole process over. And it may be just me, but it seems like the weight loss fads are getting crazier as the months go by. I think the problem stems from the fact that the brain needs glucose to function, and the inventors of these diets are obviously a bit glucose-deprived. To help you sort through all this diet mumbo-jumbo, I am going to eat a large chocolate bar, down a grande mocha cappuccino, and look at this from a sane standpoint.

The All-Rice Diet
Supposedly there is a man in Thailand who has existed for several years solely on long grain rice. He eats very little, meditates most of the day, and (legend has it) never has to use the bathroom. In theory this is a wonderful idea: it would save you a ton of money, and you would never have to get up from the middle of a crowded movie theater to do your business. However, I'm pretty sure that if you didn't practice complete mind/body control through intensive meditation, you would die from a vitamin deficiency.

The No White Foods Diet
This diet is easy to follow: anything white and edible is out. White bread, white rice, bagels, milk, the marshmallowy cream inside Peeps, are all strictly forbidden. Sounds great, right? We all know white bread is a one-way ticket to Diabetesville, and that bagels are just another excuse for an extra cup of coffee. But just because a food has color doesn't make it good for you. Here is a typical meal plan a determined unhealthy eater can use to still avoid vegetables:
Breakfast: Blueberry pie, coffee, eight slices of bacon
Lunch: Large Hershey bar, four hamburger patties, bag of skittles
Snack: Extra-large smoothie
Dinner: Mac and cheese, T-Bone steak, can of Pringles (red, yellow or green -- no plain chips for you!)