How to Stop Global Warming

Inspired by the propoganda-rich headline on my bellsouth homepage today, I have seriously formulated a plan to stop global warming. The headline read: "Climate Report: World at Risk Now". Well, since starting today we are officially at risk of spontaneous combustion and galactic annihilation, I am doing something about it..NOW!

I have come to the conclusion that biking, walking, using alternative fuels, etc. are not the solution. Even the most liberal of liberals heats their home with gas or electricity and drives to work in a car, all while preaching about the evils of fuel. But there is one thing that I have not heard anyone explore before me: REDUCE YOUR BREATHING!

According to the wacko scientists who spout out man-caused global warming theory, carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is the culprit. Well, my friends, your exhaled breath is almost 5% CO2. So, in theory, if you can reduce your carbon dioxide output into the atmosphere, we can stave out catastrophe while Al Gore formulates a plan to save the world.

1. Stop exercising!!! When you exercise, you breath 2-3 times as much as when you are resting. So stop it right now. At least, be willing to sign a petition that you will reduce your CO2 output by 10% by the end of 2008.

2. Stop going outside!!! Especially if you are exercising outside. You careless breather, you! Stay inside and filter your breath with a HEPA certified unit. Wear a surgical mask.

3. Stop talking!!! In the age of advanced technology, the need for CO2 rich verbal communication is simply as archaic as fossil fuel. Use email and harmonic convergence. Expect a 24-48 hour response.

4. Kill yourself!!! For the particularly motivated, go kill yourself. This will eliminate your breathing induced carbon footprint on the world. In addition, you will be incapable of operating a car or heating your home. Just be sure to bury yourself under a tree so that you can act as organic fertilizer for nature's most efficient CO2 filtration unit.