Bush Unveils New Immigrant Plan: Reestablishing Slavery

WASHINGTON, D.C.- At a symbolic event yesterday at the Tomb of the Unknown Housekeeper, President Bush announced a dramatic new plan for reforming United States immigration policy for "our convenience and the convenience of future generations of Americans."

Admitting his most recent initiative calling for the construction of a high-voltage electric fence between the US-Mexican border and distribution of Get-Out-Of-Mexico Free/Debit Cards to illegal and illegal-wannabes, would not solve the growing problem of his low poll numbers, the President instead proposed abandoning the Emancipation Proclamation of 1862, the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution and reestablishing the "peculiar institution" of slavery in the United States of America.

In a bold attempt to recapture the support of his ultraconservative, white-collared and/or red-necked base, President Bush declared, "It was a simple decision. See, Americans won't do a lot of the tough, dirty jobs this country has to offer for low wages and no benefits, and millions of folks south of the border will. In the end, our country pays a high price in lost tax revenue and unpaid government services, not to mention billions of dollars sent back to Mexico and other poor countries, which just encourages more people to illegally clean our toilets and pick our artichokes."

In a remarkably honest statement, the President noted, "Whole generations are being raised and exploited within the shadows in this country, and your government and your tax dollars are paying for it. It is time for these despicable un-American practices to come to an end. It is time for the exploiters to pay their fair share, and for the exploited to come out into the light once and for all." Mr. Bush added, "Look, you and I both know we can't just deport the millions of people in our country illegally. It would cost more than regime change in Iraq, I mean, the war on terror, and besides, they'd only come right back again, just like they do now. My plan is a no-brainer."