How to Write the Perfectly Annoying Holiday Newsletter

Hello all! Yes, once again it is that special season of the year, time to prepare for the annual Holiday Newsletter. That eagerly awaited missive everyone on your mailing list just can't wait to rip out of the envelope and immediately toss into the circular file. I realize how eager all of you are to get started, possibly as anxious as your vic... uh, your soon to be former friends and relatives are to trudge out to the mailbox and retrieve the special envelope you've sent, along with the usual glut of realtor hawkings and used car offers. So settle down, crack those knuckles and give your dry hands a good coating of hand lotion; the generic, highly perfumed type available at your local Wal-Mart. Yes, you'll be cursed and cussed as folks open your grease-stained newsletter and faint as their allergies kick in reacting to the strong, cheap scent. But you will be remembered, believe me.

Okay, everyone ready? Let's go!

1- Paper & Envelope: This is the most important of all the items, as it reflects your peculiar style and substance. Avoid at all cost anything plain white and clean. Too legible. The local office supply store will definitely offer a wide variety of outlandish and gaudily colored paper and envelopes. This is no time for restraint, go for the product with the brightest colors, especially if it is pre-printed with lots of cheesy clip art. Dayglo orange will offend with a flair. The busier the background, the more illegible and difficult your message will be to read. If you need creative inspiration, return to Wal-Mart and study the point of purchase product displays.