How to Interrogate Terrorists: Colonoscopy

The Bush administration obviously lacks true out-of-the-box thinkers. There is an absolutely creative way to get the truth out of captured terrorists. It surely is not prohibited by the Geneva Conventions or any US laws. In fact, it is doing something positive for the overly silent suspect; it is giving them a sophisticated medical procedure designed as an early detection measure for colon cancer. It is highly unlikely that terrorists have had the good fortune to have had a colonoscopy and so we would be performing a terrific service at no cost to them. Let me amplify.

The day before you get a colonoscopy you are told to follow a regime to completely clean out your entire intestinal system. This is extremely important, because the physician must have a very clean set of internal passages if even the smallest inklings of cancer are to be seen through the ingenious devices inserted into your body. The day before the procedure I could not eat any solid foods whatsoever. I could only drink clear liquids.

But the best feature of this regime is to take what seems like a pretty small amount of an over the counter substance called phosphate soda - just 1.5 fluid ounces in a half a glass of clear liquid. For those that have never had the pleasure of taking this "oral saline laxative" let me explain. Think of the most foul tasting hard to swallow liquid that somehow has come from a distant planet inhabited by sentient beings totally unlike human beings. No matter what you mix it with you cannot escape this material's absolutely unique taste and consistency. The first sip is shockingly difficult. Following sips only get more challenging. I started to think about a new way for interrogating terrorists while drinking this concoction. It helped. A little.