Shopping Etiquette: I'm Talking to You, Drunk Guy on the Motorized Cart

When you prepare for your weekly - or monthly, or even yearly - grocery-shopping trip, you need to remember that you are not the only person who will be in the store. This is particularly true if you plan visit the grocery store on a Saturday morning. If you don't realize that half of your state, city, town or village goes to that store on that day, you're not paying attention.

If we all work together, we can get out of the store alive - or, at the very least, without going nuts and beating each other senseless with cream of mushroom soup.

There are a few specific behaviors that, when curbed, will make the shopping experience less torturous. If you recognize one or more of these tendencies in yourself, rest assured that the solution is at hand. You, too, can finish your grocery shopping without suffering the wrath of your fellow patrons.

Drunk Driving on the Motorized Cart
Riding the motorized shopping cart is much like driving your car: if you can't keep the thing in a straight line, you need to step away from it and get around on foot. Weaving is fine if you're trying to avoid the gaggle of girls in front of the candy display, but it's not okay I'm the only person on that aisle. Sometimes I would swear that you're gunning for me, people. This is not Human Bowling. This is serious business. So please, keep your cart under control.

And another thing: honking the little horn isn't going to make me move any faster. I'm already going at top speed because I hate grocery shopping. I want to get out of here as fast as possible - before you see me standing by the frozen turkeys and decide to mow me down before I grab the last one.

Shrieking Children
If you can't leave your children at home on shopping day, you should at least teach them how to behave in public. I'm not talking about the infants who cry because they're hungry, tired, or sick. I'm not talking about the toddlers who start whining because their little legs are exhausted and their nap times passed two hours ago. Rather, I'm talking about the school-aged kids who, for some reason, think that it's cool to yell and shriek as loudly as they can.