How to Become a Wine Connoisseur Or Just Act like One

You've seen them at the holiday parties and the gourmet wine bars, the sometimes pretentious few who insist on flexing their wine knowledge at every opportune moment. Or maybe you are one of them, the highly knowledgeable wine snob who insists on describing wine with words such as vegetal, round, and complex. If you're anxious to become a wine connoisseur--or just act like one--here are a few tips to get started:

1. Don't describe any wine as 'elegant.' 'Elegant' is one of the most overused wine descriptors known to the professional connoisseur; elegant finish, elegant taste, elegant nose. . .it doesn't matter, you won't be impressing much of the crowd--except for maybe the average beer drinker.

2. Take your time to look at the wine. The first step in introducing yourself to the wine at hand is to examine it. You can make a real show of this by tilting the glass away from you and positioning it against a white background--if anyone asks what on earth you're doing, insist that you're determining the different shades of color. It's part of the 'protocol.'

3. Take a big sniff. That's right, you need to inhale deeply to really experience every flavor molecule present in the glass; start by swirling the wine (slowly and gracefully), and take a big but short sniff of the aroma. This is your first step for describing what you sense--overlook this stage and you're no connoisseur.

4. Talk in multi dimensions. It's no use trying to describe a wine as sweet, fresh, or just plain acidic. You need to talk in complete sentences about how the 'astringent quality dominates an otherwise tart and simple flavor'. Think of at least three descriptors per sentence as you get started.

5. Read up on wine scores. Wine Spectator is just one of the many publications that will soon reach the top of your to-read list. Start memorizing scores for specific wines so you can rattle off stats like a pro--all in good taste, of course.

6. Carry a small notebook. You'll need this to note down all your thoughts, ideas, bottles sampled, and other necessary information. Pull this out when you need time to 'study' your wines.