Coping with Infidelity and Divorce

By Cathy Meyer, published Jun 18, 2005
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Until six years ago I thought that all divorces were basically, very similar in nature. I found out differently when I went through my own divorce. There are differing types of divorce and each one has it's own emotional and psychological intensity. There is the bilateral agreement divorce where both spouses are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. In a divorce like this the couple is often able to come to a mutual agreement and settle their affairs amicably and stay connected as friends with little emotional upset.

Then there is the unilateral divorce where one spouse makes the decision to divorce to the utter shock of the other spouse. This type of divorce means more emotional and psychological intensity for the spouse who was unaware of the problems in the marriage. The one choosing to leave has had time to think about, reflect upon and weigh the options and to emotionally detach themselves from the marriage while the other spouse is caught by surprise, is normally mistreated and left to feel abandoned. There is a huge imbalance of power with the one leaving being the one in control of all aspects of whether or not the marriage will continue.

Add to this a third party, another woman or another man and the emotional intensity is compounded. Not only will the left behind spouse feel abandoned but he or she will also feel replaced by someone better, younger, more attractive. The pain in this type of divorce comes from losing a position of importance in the life of a spouse, from beliefs about immorality, betrayal and feelings of failure as a spouse.

When a third party enters a marriage and a spouse in that marriage becomes romantically involved with this person certain psychological things start to happen in the mind of the unfaithful spouse in order to justify their actions.

 
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Coping with Infidelity and Divorce
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Relationships are based on trust, and infidelity often permanently breaks that trust.

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Takeaways
  • How your spouse will justify their behavior when in an affair.
  • How their justification can cause you to question your sanity.
  • The psychological stages that both spouses will go through during an affair.
Did You Know?
Did you know that you were to blame if your spouse has an affair?
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My husband of 4 1/2 years recently left me for another woman. I am pregnant with our third child. This article really helps me to understand what is going on. He is so mean to me, he is a totally different person. He accept no responsibility for his actions. He blames everything on me. I don't understand how someone could be so selfish. I feel so betrayed and sad right now. I feel as though I will never get over this. All I ask for is that he regrets it someday and he is not happy. We have two, almost three beautiful children and our family was more important to me than anything. I just can't believe he did this to me. I thought he was better than that. It's hard enough to deal with the affair, he has also left me in a financial mess, and doesn't even care about my pregnancy. He pretends that I don't exist anymore. He has replaced me with someone else, and that is the worst feeling in the world.

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Posted on 05/03/2008 at 6:05:41 PM

 
i,m in a similer situation, i,m wondering what the outcome was re: spousal support,and child custody

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Posted on 03/23/2008 at 10:03:17 AM

 
As a Faithful Spouse in the throws of an ugly divorce from an Unfaithful Spouse, I applaud this article as it is SO true and I am finding the pain also comes from the ex in-laws who embrace my unfaithful husband's "story" to justify that it was ALL my fault. How could they blame him, afterall he's such a wonderful guy. His sister actually told my daughter, "it's not your dad's fault, he just made a couple of mistakes." Thanks for adding that will get better, I'm still waiting for it to! It has been 6 months of HELL, but I've probably learned more about who he really was in this last 6 months than in the entire 18 years of marriage with him. Good riddance!!!

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Posted on 01/10/2008 at 2:01:35 PM

 
This is a painful topic, and perhaps not so black and white as is being portrayed here. I am sorry to say that I am the one who was unfaithful: behavior I don't condone, and something I would never engage in again. At the time, I questioned what I was being unfaithful to. Our marriage lacked intimacy and friendship: we were emotionally estranged, and had been for years. This is not rewriting history, nor is it blaming the other. I was desperate and wanted to see a therapist, but he was unwilling. And in my loneliness and desire to connect, I made a serious mistake. Looking back, I think it was something I did to force the end of the marriage. I didn't see the other man again, by choice, and have remained a single parent for nearly three years. But my life is so much happier and richer - the marriage should have ended long ago. Meantime, I find it shockingly easy to blame the adulterer for the failure, when I strongly believe that people can betray and hurt each other in many many ways.

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Posted on 11/29/2007 at 10:11:00 PM

 
There is such common thread among all of us that have been betrayed by our spouses. The stories are different yet so similar. Married 28 1/2 years. Made it through one affair 4 yrs. ago and I had rebuilt my trust for him at least 98%. Then WHAM! Told me a few weeks ago, "I just want to have fun and not have to worry about you." " I want to do whatever, whenever, where ever, and with whom ever I want." Suspected another affair and was right. I'm devastated. I have days I can't get out of bed, I barely eat, can't concentrate. It's affecting my physically. He's still living in the house in another bedroom and of course, it's my fault he's making these choices. I had a marriage my friends envied. He was a wonderful husband, father, friend, companion----until 4 years ago and something snapped. I'm greiving over what has been lost and what should have been our future. Will I ever be a sane, whole person again?

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Posted on 11/26/2007 at 1:11:00 PM

 
My wife and best friend of 20 years started what seemed to be an innocent casual relationship with our recently divorced next door neighbor. The discussions at the pool extended well into the wee hours of the morning over wine and beer. Her interest in our family and home grew weaker as time passed. Then the trips started. Weekends, then a five day trip to the beach.How coincidental our neighbor was not home for five days, and when my wife arrived, so did he. Now she's filed for divorce, moved out, he stays overnite at her new place, wants half of everything including spousal support. There should laws against this kind of railroading. I've been through every feeling this article describes, including suicide. Bad move, she would get it all, not half. This article allowed me to understand my feelings as bad as they are. I pray that one day I will be able to love and trust again.

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Posted on 11/25/2007 at 8:11:00 PM

 
Excellent article. I was about to be married to my girlfried for three years. But then of late she got attracted to a guy,he was a bit toonice with her i had this inkling he is acting really smart when i asked by gf about it she said u r too possessive u dont trust me. two months after that incident she dumped me for him and blamed me for breaking off.She said you and you alone is responsible ofr this. Now i know what she was planning to do. It seems that this article is excatly wat she did to me. Now at least i know i am not guilty and i wont have guilt pangs.

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Posted on 10/23/2007 at 11:10:00 PM

 
I feel it will be hard to trust. I was married 14 years and I felt something was wrong and I wasn't happy. I think I know why I wasn't happy now. He was lying to me and finally told me what I had thought. He was having an affair. I never thought he could lie to me right to my face. Very scary. What else was a lie in my years of marriage. I knew this woman since 10 years ago my ex is with. I didn't like her from the first time I met her. She was a flirt. I do blame him though. I try to tell myself when one door closes another opens. That's what everyone is telling me. I am strong in school with 3 kids. It has been a long 2-1/2 years of toughness. I am feeling it isn't bothering me as much and they deserve each other. She is a nut, married twice, my ex moved in after 3 mo separated when he finally had guts to tell me he had feelings for her. That's when I filed. He probably wanted that anyway. I know I have to always do the right thing and good things will come to me

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Posted on 09/23/2007 at 2:09:00 PM

 
This article is interesting, but I feel like it is only directed to the cheating spouse who is seaking a divorce. I am the one cheated on, and I am seeking the divorce. I stuck out the marriage for an additional 18 years due to the birth of a child. It was bad advice and given in the realm of finances. Well, 18 years later, I realize I would have been seriously much better off financially had I divorced when I realized the marriage had major problems. There are so many things wrong with the marriage - money, infidelity, lack of communication, lack of romance or sexual or any intimate relations, that I doubt I will ever trust anyone again. Thanks for the article.

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Posted on 09/23/2007 at 11:09:00 AM

 
Wow, I wish I had seen this article two years ago when I found out my husband was cheating on me! It would have prepared me for the range of emotions I would be going through and help me to understand why he was trying to place the blame on me. "We don't have the same hobbies." "We're just two friends raising a child." What a load of BS!! Isn't marriage suppose to be about being friends and who cares about hobbies, we'll make new ones together. Now I know it was a way for him to justify his actions. As of today, we're still not legally divorce yet but that didn't stop him from dating her while still at our house, introducing her to all our friends a month later, finally moving out our house only to move in with her 6 months later, and if all that wasn't a slap in the face, she's now pregnant and they're suppose to get married in Thailand at the end of the month (at least that's what their very special website says!) Hellooo, we're still legally married you bigamist! I spent 12 years w

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Posted on 09/21/2007 at 2:09:00 PM

 
End of Comment (Is this a stage? Did others experience this?) I pray that what is supposed to happen does with the end result being peace and happiness for both of us. It just feels like a FAR away goal right now...I cry at the drop of a hat and change what I am going to do next every time I turn around. This is so unfair. It is not supposed to happen like this to good people. Many loving friends are urging me to concentrate on me and what I want, which I will try desperately to do. I imagine the phrase "One day at a time" is most apt in this circumstance. I hope to be at a better place before too much longer and I hope to be there with him.

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Posted on 09/16/2007 at 10:09:00 AM

 
Do things ever work out? I've been married for 30 years and my husband has moved out at my request. He says he feels trapped in our marriage. Many things are contributing to this, not the least of which is an affair he had with someone 19 years his junior. Although he says the physical part of their relationship is over, he cannot/will not distance himself emotionally from her. I beleive she makes him feel needed and important. That seems to be a huge draw during his time of personal crisis (male menopause). He doubts his own self worth and is an emotional wreck. I know and understand that I did not cause these problems nor can I fix them - as much as I've tried. I may sound naive to some, but I am not ready to give up. Thirty years is a long time to share with someone. It comes with many ups and downs, but it is OUR history. We have built and nurtured OUR family. When I weigh that history against the current situation, I'm just not ready to throw in the towel. (Is this a sta

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Posted on 09/16/2007 at 10:09:00 AM

 
I'm so glad I found this article. I thought I was losing my mind. I've been married for 30 years and my husband left me 2 months ago for someone at work. All the years I've been there supporting him and he now has not one good thing to say about me. He acts as if we're just "good friends" and wants our kids to go over to his apartment and be happy for him with this adultress relationship. My emotions go from rage to depression. This is the ultimate betrayal. He has no idea the pain this has caused our family and keeps telling me to "move on" with my life. I feel like a disposable wife. I'm trying to take this one day at a time. It's like my world caved in but one day when the dust settles I hope to see sunlight.

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Posted on 08/31/2007 at 5:08:00 PM

 
This article is so accurate it's amazing. My wife and I have been married for 15 years. 3 months ago I would have never thought I would even be reading such an article. That's how fast your life can change. Now I am 3 months away from a divorce which she filed for so she can go live with this individual she has know for 3 months (as opposed to 15 years). I've come to find that affairs are not relationships based in reality or founded on lasting characteristics such as honesty, integrity, or commitment. They are based on passion and fantasy and exist in deceit and secret betrayal. And that those who have them, to be with another person eventually live to regret their decision. There is a quote I have heard before which I have told my wife about her decision:: "After a time, you will find that "having" in not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting". It is not logical, but often true."

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Posted on 08/31/2007 at 5:08:00 AM

 
My husband had acted weird for 1-2 years distant and different. He started saying things like do we want the same things in life and I will always be in his life. He always treated me great and acted like he was so in love with me before. I suspected an affair but would never believe it from him. I had hime leave twice which I believe he wanted and he never came back and finally admitted he had feelings for someone at work. Three mo later moved in with her and my kids are always there. He is a stranger and I don't know him.; I filed for divorce what choice he never looked back. I was going through this for too long. It hurts but I must move on. Of course he blames me for not appreciating him and not wanting to spend time with my kids enough. And we want different things in life. She appreciates him more and cares. What a crock. Can't wait till life is back to some sort of happiness again. I hope I can trust again. What a shame.

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Posted on 08/25/2007 at 7:08:00 PM

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