Fear of Commitment

I grew up with a strong fear of commitment. As a young girl, I knew I wanted a family, and to get married. I saw myself with a big family, great husband, and being involved with my children in every way I could. At a young age, I knew the complexity of adult relationships due to my parent's divorce, and my father's 2 failed marriages. Let me give you a bit more background on the situation.

My parents met and married young. After 3 years of marriage, they gave birth to me. After about 8 months, they divorced. I don't remember much about my early childhood. My mother remarried when I was 4, and my dad remarried when I was about 6. My mom and step dad kept a great household. I was encouraged to have a relationship with my father from both of them. Not a single negative word was spoken. Yet my father did not have it so lucky. His second wife did not like me whatsoever. On visits with my father she would make me take a nap and shove me in a room upstairs. Sometimes, I could hear the two of them fighting downstairs about all kinds of things, mostly about me. My father gave in a lot. When that marriage failed for him, he was very depressed. Visits were painful. We would visit his parents, or go back to his apartment and watch movies or television. When I was 8, he moved to Puerto Rico to marry this wonderful woman. I felt abandoned.

I knew early on why my parents had divorced, and not from either of their accounts. They were very different people who couldn't get along. My mom was more laid back but fought for my well being. My father gave up. I can imagine him walking away from all his problems whenever they arose, and I could see mom getting fed up with that. I realized that my parents were never meant to be together longer than it took to have me. Most of the time, I wondered how I came to be at all. I saw how my father struggled with the 2 failed marriages, and wondered if I would share the same fate.