Think Before You Act

Acting before I think. Always has been a problem of mine. I don't think that I'm impulsive, I think I just don't fully process my actions sometimes before I commit them. A few months ago when I started becoming more actively involved in posting articles for this website, I posted a poem that was dear to me when I wrote it (8^th grade).

In 8^th grade I was having an extremely difficult time. Maybe it was my impending womanhood, or maybe it was my realization of a lot of things about myself and my past. I wrote to keep sane. I wrote to express emotions. And I wrote because I was not close to my family. Writing was therapeutic for me because it allowed me to express things that I felt I had to keep secret or locked away inside of me. I was a child. I felt alone. Writing kept me company.

Anyways, back to the point. I posted a poem that revealed things about my past, not thinking that if read by involved parties it might ruffle feathers. I wasn't aware that the words of a 14 year old would have any effect. My intentions were never to hurt anyone's feelings. My intention was simply to post poetry to generate page views. I liked the poem; it had meaning to me, regardless to its subject matter.

The poem doesn't reflect any feelings I have right now. In fact, I am oddly comfortable with my past. I'm not hurt or angry and I definitely hold no grudges. While I feel like I have the unalienable right to express things I feel or have felt, I don't want to intentionally hurt anyone, especially those that I love and hold dear to me. I am not perfect as all of you very well know. I just want what everyone else wants; to be loved and accepted by those you hold in high regard.

So I guess that what I am saying is: I'm sorry. The person I am apologizing to probably will never read this, and that believe it or not, hurts me. Regardless to popular belief, I strive for his approval more than any other's. I love this person and respect this person more than anyone would probably ever believe I do. Sometimes I wish he would just look at me and honestly and truthfully feel that exact same way.