Funny-isms from a Flight Attendant...

Some rather interesting variations of a flight attendant's safety demonstration speech:

"For those of you who haven't driven a car since 1962...to fasten your seatbelt, simply insert the flat metal end into the metal buckle. To release...well, there is no release until the wheels touch down as each seat belt has been programmed to activate as such. When we land and reach the gate, at that time, feel free to lift up on the top of the metal buckle to release. Good luck with that during flight."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop from the compartment above your head. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and place it over your face. If you seated next to a child or someone acting like a child, kindly secure your mask before securing theirs...unless it's your spouse and you are in the middle of a nasty divorce."

In follow-up to the previous announcement, "Interesting that only the wives found that announcement funny."

"In the highly unlikely event that this airplane become a cruise ship and we encounter an unexpected water landing (since we are flying over the desert otherwise known as Phoenix, Arizona), your seat bottom cushions have been designed as flotation devices (otherwise known as the "oh crap option"). Grab your seat cushions and follow me to the nearest exit as there's no way you'll beat me out of the plane!"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have one very spacious lavatory located in the rear of the aircraft. Yes, we've been approved to attach a pull-along-camper to the tail of the plane, while in flight. Tours will be given after the beverage service."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. However, if you are feeling particularly rich today, continue to smoke in the lavatory to the tune of $2500 per light. Otherwise, you may visit our smoking section out on the wing where we are showing the feature movie 'Gone With the Wind'!"

Upon landing, " We ask that you use caution upon opening the over head bins as shift tends to happen."