The Private Face of Depression

"You're depressed, Beth, and you need to be on medication," my doctor told me in January 1999. She also asked me to watch my diet and exercise on a regular basis.

I try to be good, but I will confess that sometimes I eat too much food, stop exercising, or "forget" to take my medication. I can do very well for weeks, even months, and then things start going downhill fast.

Since 1999, the public stigma of depression has eased, at least a bit. You can find the symptoms of depression in pamphlets at a doctor's office or during a television commercial for antidepressants. This is the public face of the illness; there is another side.

The private face of depression, for me, is the impact that it has on my life: missed days at work, isolation, and a pain that seems to overwhelm me at times, rendering me unable to function.

Here are my symptoms of depression:

I suffer from headaches, at least 3-4 times weekly.

I find it harder to get to sleep, stay asleep, and get up in the mornings.

I am irritable, short tempered, and cranky.

Movement, especially walking, is painful due to an increase in arthritis pain in my feet, hands, knees, and back.

I cannot finish sentences, because I forget what I was going to say.

Reading, which I dearly love, becomes impossible because I cannot make sense of what I am reading.

I consume carbohydrates and chocolate until it feels like my thighs are going to explode.

Increased negative self-talk that I have used in the past to sabotage my hopes and dreams.

Besides taking a daily antidepressant, here are some positive actions that I am currently taking to keep my depression controlled:

When I walk outside, for a minimum of fifteen minutes daily, the pain in my joints lessens and my spirits soar.

This is painful for me to type: No chocolate, at all, until the current depressive episode is over.

Eat fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, and limit coffee to two cups per day.

I seldom consume alcohol.

Writing is my hobby. I blog and write at least a minimum of two hours daily.

Maintaining friendships outside of work, going to movies, plays, and book discussions at the local library gets me out of the house.