A Guide to the Lesser Greek Gods

From the Gods & Ends Department

Sure, we know about the religious right and the religious wrong and everyone’s talking about whose god is better. And sure, we all know about the big three gods, but what about the classic gods? You got your Zeus, Apollo, Ra and all those gods who were worshipped by the ancient civilizations, hung out at neat places like Mt. Olympus and the basements of your better pyramids and have cars named after them. Them we know. Yet there are the hundreds of other gods, the rank and file gods who never had a group of stars named after them. It isn't easy wrestling away the limelight for the likes of Neptune or Mercury but we've managed to unearth a list of these background immortals and their responsibilities:

Asphaltus - protector of streets and viaducts. According to legend, he was appointed by Jupiter to oversee all the roads of the Roman Empire. He could be found in the wee hours of the morning filling potholes or painting yellow lines down the middle of many streets. The saying was "All roads lead to Rome, but the traffic'll be all backed up because of that @#!% Asphaltus and his tar bucket!" A number of Romans took to hanging little statues of Asphaltus on the rear view mirrors of their chariots. Associated with the Greek god Glasphaltite.

Dentus - the Romans worshipped Dentus as the protector of tooth enamel. Calves were periodically sacrificed to him to prevent cavities and plaque build-up. He was featured in an epic poem, "The Quest for the Golden Floss." In time, Dentus was forgotten with Julius Caesar's decree that all citizens of the Roman Empire must brush after each visit to the vomitorium.

Aphrotidy - goddess of obsessive-compulsive cleaning. You wonder why all those Greek temples were spanking white? Now you know.