5 Sure-fire, Broad Daylight Ways to Tell You're at a Redneck Wedding

Redneck Wedding: Cool Whip Bowls & Duct Tape

1. First the entire event is held in the yard. Not out on the lawn, or the garden.

The yard most of the time is just that and all the lovely ornamental surroundings that come with it. The loose tin lying about, an old dog or three or four nestled in a hole they would have dug by the back door step. Last weeks wash, towels, left hanging on the swaying clothes lines for an added touch. Don't forget the nice line-up of rusted, wrecked cars and car parts and accessories. Golden, dry grass, brushing this metal freelance art of auto.

2. The wedding attire. More than likely, the groom will not be in a suit, much less a tux. Oh, he may have a suit jacket, Uncle Lynn's whose been dead at least 20 years. Shook the moth balls loose from the pockets on the way out the door. The bride, well, if she hasn't been blessed with Aunt's Jean's cousin Lucy's light blue number direct from Blair catalog, then most likely she's been thrift shopping. Her make-up laid on a little thick, just for this special day, After all she doesn't want the shade from the Catawba Worm tree to keep her guest from enjoying the view. Combs securely holding her deep brown rooted hair in place on at least one side of her head. Protection from the wind, blowing out of the East.

3. The Service. Preacher man or woman doesn't know the marriage couple, and will not pronounce their names right. They met yesterday, after Aunt Luna helped look up somebody in the yellow pages. His card said - weddings, funerals, baptisms, and will run lemonade stand with shared profits. He will stand amongst the plastics garden. A spot decorated, so the preacher can know where to mark his spot. Plastic yellow daisies and pink tulips straight from the dollar store. Can't believe they carry such nice things. The best hound on the premises will meander down the "aisle", marked by more store bought flowers, carrying the satin pillow from grandma's death bed. Pillow strapped in place and carrying precious cargo; the matching wedding bands they bought from the flea market last Saturday. The music, lovely as it is, comes from a boom-box which is up one the porch railings with Uncle Jim at the controls.