My Day in Court on National TV

Ryan and I sat in what amounted to a mobile prison cell on a semi-trailer in Houston. But it wasn't a prison cell. It was worse than a prison cell. It was one of the green rooms for Cristina's Court, a nationally televised People's Court derivative originating from the Fox station in Houston. Our little green room was about five by nine feet. There was a bunk, a broken toilet, and the place smelled. I imagine detainees at Guantanamo have better conditions, or at least enough room for a prayer rug. We were not permitted to leave. We had no food, no water, and no toilet. Outside, the rain, the humidity and the heat put me in mind of Devil's Island.

Okay, so how did we wind up in nominal custody? We were being sued in small claims court, that's how. Ryan owns a limousine company in Sacramento, California. I am one of his drivers. Halfway into a limousine run, the plaintiff wanted a full refund because the limousine stereo did not work. She got nasty. As permitted in our contract, I canceled the run. The unhappy client filed a small claims beef in Sacramento. A researcher for Cristina's Court, scanning the web for likely looking small claims suits, saw our case and flagged it. Since Cristina's Court has a large Hispanic following, I imagine the plaintiff's name was key to the selection. I'll call her Ms. Gomez, which is not her real name.

The show's producer contacted Ms. Gomez and asked if she'd like to be given an all expenses paid trip to and from Houston, plus $235 to present her case on national television. She agreed. Then the producer called Ryan and offered the same incentive. Plus, the production company would pay the plaintiff's claim if Cristina ruled against him. The claim amounted to $840. Ryan agreed. As the Cause Of It All, I felt obligated to accompany him. Besides, I like airplane rides.