What a Week it Was... (11-16 Edition)

In this weekly column, I recap some of the events of the week that I found to be interesting, humorous and/or disgusting. Please note that I do this with several hints of humor, satire and farce, so please don't take any of my comments too seriously. These stories were reported by the Associated Press (www.ap.org) or Reuters (www.reuters.com), unless otherwise noted.

If you like what you see, pass it along to your friends, families and co-workers and spread the love. If you don't like what you see, pass it along to your friends, families and co-workers and take turns pointing out how lame I am.

...

Dolphins pay celebrities to attend games

The Palm Beach Post reported that the NFL's Miami Dolphins (currently 0-9 on the year) have been paying celebrities to attend their games, in a lame attempt to drum up interest for their lackluster football team.

The team offers celebrities first-class flights, rooms at five-star resorts, meals and Dolphins gear in return for the stars' mere presences. All that's asked is that the celebs look good and smile when shown on the in-stadium screens. The team hired local NFL Alumni Association PR Director Doris Porter to spearhead the initiative.

The shameless stunt did manage to wrangle Oscar-nominated actor Terrence Howard. The eternally shirtless Matthew McConaughey was supposed to attend a game, but he wanted a private jet, so he was turned away. Former nobody-turned-mogul-turned-cultural afterthought Diddy also said he'd attend, but he ended up being a no-show. Notables expected to attend in the future include Britain's worst import since Solomon Adler (or James Blunt, depending on your frame of reference), soccer star David Beckham; former tennis player/model Anna "Why the Hell Should I Play Tennis When I Can Make Millions of Dollars by Just Being Hot?" Kournikova; and star of the MTV show "The Hills," Lauren "Who-the-Hell-Is-She-and-Why-Should-I-Care?" Conrad.