Meet the Candidates: A Humorous Look at Who You Might Elect in '08
Since many states allow you to change your party affiliation just weeks before the primaries, you've got lots of choices. What you don't have is time to study the debates and watch Hardball everyday because, let's face it, when you're not watching Curb repeats, you are either slee 
ping or drinking (often both, and often at your part-time job). Now, choosing a candidate is easy, even if all you have is 15 minutes! I've oversimplified every candidate's persona into a few hundred words or less. Just pick your favorite, then unscramble the anagram to find out who you're voting for ... y'know, if you were actually voting. Key at the end.
"I've had face to face negotiations with asshole world leaders like Saddam Hussein and I was the governor of a multi-cultural, multi-lingual border state, so I don't know what kind of experience you're looking for, but I probably have it. Amidst the resumes of the current presidential candidates, my governorship is the closest thing you can get to a microcosm of the US presidency. Sadly, I'm not real charismatic, I have a fat face and I stumble over my words at the debates so generally, I come off as harmless. Fuck this, I'm taking Pete Dominici's Senate seat."
Lard chin broil
"I remind you of some guy from a movie or one of your uncles or something ... a high school principal, maybe ... I don't know, some authority figure with a stentorian delivery, but not a total dick. I probably wouldn't completely f everything if I was president, but if you can't even remember who I remind you of, you're not going to single me out of this crowd either."
He did sport chord / Run a nth dunce
"Around a year ago, I was sitting at home counting my Law & Order residual checks when I got a phone call about some preliminary polling that showed the American public wouldn't totally reject a Fred Thompson presidential run. A few months later, I was in a town car surrounded by PR people and a campaign manager chattering on Blackberries and shuffling papers. Anyway, here I am, tangled up in an actual presidential candidacy. Wanna vote for me?"
Forms no depth
"I've had face to face negotiations with asshole world leaders like Saddam Hussein and I was the governor of a multi-cultural, multi-lingual border state, so I don't know what kind of experience you're looking for, but I probably have it. Amidst the resumes of the current presidential candidates, my governorship is the closest thing you can get to a microcosm of the US presidency. Sadly, I'm not real charismatic, I have a fat face and I stumble over my words at the debates so generally, I come off as harmless. Fuck this, I'm taking Pete Dominici's Senate seat."
Lard chin broil
"I remind you of some guy from a movie or one of your uncles or something ... a high school principal, maybe ... I don't know, some authority figure with a stentorian delivery, but not a total dick. I probably wouldn't completely f everything if I was president, but if you can't even remember who I remind you of, you're not going to single me out of this crowd either."
He did sport chord / Run a nth dunce
"Around a year ago, I was sitting at home counting my Law & Order residual checks when I got a phone call about some preliminary polling that showed the American public wouldn't totally reject a Fred Thompson presidential run. A few months later, I was in a town car surrounded by PR people and a campaign manager chattering on Blackberries and shuffling papers. Anyway, here I am, tangled up in an actual presidential candidacy. Wanna vote for me?"
Forms no depth