Top 5 Things Brad Womack Wants for Christmas

If you were one of the millions who tuned in to the final episode of "The Bachelor," that redundant dating game show on ABC, you watched in horror (if you were a woman) and utter joy (if you were me) when Womack had to pick between the final two girls and chose...NEITHER.

To listen to his explanation to the girls as to why he didn't choose them was as hilarious as the fact that he seemed to read his reasons off of a Teleprompter. In the history of TV I've never watched anyone execute such an underhanded move as slowly as Womack, except for Cleetus from "The Dukes of Hazzard."

But he did, and God bless his pea-pickin' heart for doing it!

5. A one-month pass to a cattle auction. Here he will learn the tricks to the trade and the art of not putting his viewers to sleep in his next TV project.

4. A new job. Newsflash: you will not be too successful picking up women if you work in a bar. That's just common sense, unless you are the Coors guy and she is a bartender who likes Coors and can't control her bowels. Know what I'm saying?

3. A new identity. Do you honestly think this guy is going to have any luck picking up women after humiliating two women at the same time on national television? He might as well have decided to cut off his thing as far as most women are concerned. But perhaps there is somebody in America who didn't happen to watch. He can only hope.

2. A good manager. Womack could parlay his talents for being the reincarnate of the devil into some gigs on some soap operas. He'd really tear it up on those telenovelas, but he'd probably be dead within the week.

1. A dog. He probably already has one, but now would be a good time to pick up one more, since he'll be awfully lonely in the coming months.