Street Cliches: Hip-Hop Albums' Most Unoriginal Ideas

Just to let you know, I am a member of the Caucasian race. If the word "Caucasian" confuses you, let me put it this way: if you were walking down the cookie aisle of your neighborhood grocery store, you'd have better luck finding me by the Nilla Wafers than the Oreos. However, this has not discouraged me from enjoying music of a bit more "urban" flavor from time to time. In fact, occasionally I have been known to get "jiggy" with it, but I try not to being Catholic and all. As such, I've noticed a few trends emerging among rap artists and their albums. There are so many similarities, it seems almost as if a pattern had been established and adhered to by members of a Rappers' Union, otherwise known as the Distinguished And Brotherly Organization of Mofo Brothers (DABOMB). How else can you explain that each member of the Cash Money Millionaires has more albums than illegitimate children? Therefore, I would like to present to you my calculated Rap Album Template, strictly followed by artists from Aaliyah to ZZ Top.

First off, begin with a picture of yourself on the cover of your album. If you're a gangsta rapper, hold as many guns as possible. If you can manage it, try to clench a machete in your teeth and wear a necklace of active hand grenades. If you're more along the lines of the bling-bling/party rappers, just put chrome and diamonds on everything. In fact, show that you have so much money that you've grown to despise your jewels and baubles, and in your attempt to eat and be rid of them, they got stuck in your teeth. You're so rich, you try to eat diamonds, that's how they do it on the street!

Now onto the music. You're always going to want to start with an Intro, or as I like to call it, the "Finger Exercising Track," because I can guarantee everyone is reaching for the Track Skip button on their stereo for this one. The Intro is usually you, a member of your posse, or a crackhead talking. It's usually unintelligible, but a convenient way to gain that extra 1:14 you need to round out the album.