Letting Go of Your College Student

Moving away from home is different in every generation, culture, and household. It is very important to be supportive of your son or daughter's decision to embark on a lifelong pursuit of education. Having your child leave home may be a lifesaver for some, and a heart-wrenching process for others.
As a parent, you need to let your child become an adult. Some students are like this in high school, and others, not. As you are aware of, your child has been through a lot of stress, from applying, deciding where to go, making housing and meal plan decisions, and finally, graduating high school.
The summer between senior and freshmen year should be spent with family and friends, as once college starts, everything changes. Your child may choose to keep in contact with their high school friends; others may choose to start a new life at their given institution. These are thought out; rationalized decisions for most students, being supportive of their decisions will help.
Once graduation is over, parties are thrown, and you have gotten rid of all relatives, clean the house, and prepare yourself for an emotional rollercoaster! Most institutions hold orientations during the summer; it is mandatory at some institutions, and optional at others. All students should attend orientation, encourage your child to make friends, write down e-mail addresses, and come with an open mind. Often times than not your child will become friends with at least one person in their orientation group. Encourage your child to get to know their orientation leader, as they are typically upperclassmen and leaders on the campus. They are a confidential, valuable resource for your child. He or she may feel comfortable asking their orientation leader questions rather than you. If there is a parent orientation offered, even for a fee, attend it! If there is financial hardship, talk with your employer, as well as with the Housing and Residence Life department as they may be able to subsidize the registration fee. While attending orientation, see if you can look inside a residence hall room (preferably the same building or set up as your child's). Take pictures and measurements if allowed. This will save you time in the future.
Typically speaking, after orientation there is a good time before your student will return for school. After orientation your child may become anxious, nervous, emotional, or overwhelmingly positive. Talk to them about their experiences, and get a feel for their attitude towards the university.
In late June, towards July, you will begin to receive numerous documents from your child's institution. Do not throw anything away, and review each letter or mailing as if it is a $1000 check. It is important not to hide anything from your student; in fact, they should be the one opening it! The first of letters you may receive will most likely be a financial statement (bill) from the Customer Service Center, lovely huh? Sit down with your student and review each posted fee closely. Many services and resources are paid for upfront (before you even arrive), such as health center visits, gym usage, student union facilities, and subsidized library and technology services. Subtly encourage your student to use these services, making best use of their investment. On the bill, be sure to note the Pay By date, and any policies, such as late fees, bounced checks, and most importantly, who to make your check out to. Many institutions are very specific in the way in which you submit payment; you may be able to make payments via phone, internet, or mail. Pick your form of payment and stick to it! This task should be completed by the same person every time, to avoid miscommunication between couples. If paying online, print out a receipt, if you are mailing the check, make a copy of the bill and of the check. If you will be using financial aid, the same applies, however; contact your financial aid office immediately to ensure all loans, grants, and scholarships are in place. You should receive plenty of information from them regarding the disbursement of funds.
Financial aid is different at every university, for some it is automatic, for others, you and your student may have to intervene. Please note that if your child is receiving more money than the school costs (i.e. for books), these refund checks are sent to his or her on campus mailbox. Discuss this with your child, and perhaps explain to them what the check may be used for, (for example, only textbooks or groceries.)
In July, you will most likely receive letters from different departments. Be sure to read each one closely, especially if they are coming from Residence Life or Housing. You will receive a room assignment packet, which will include all of the vital information for move in day. Save it, and make a copy, and give the duplicate to your child. Review all of the information together, their phone number, to the dining hall they will eat at. Their roommate's name and number will also be provided, encourage your child to contact him or her.
There are several key documents to review inside this packet, see which floor your child will be living on, this can make move in day heaven or hell. Look closely at the map, if provided, and make note of how far or close your child is from various landmarks on campus, such as the library, dining hall, and main lecture halls. Next, review the actual residence hall, check to see where the elevator is, review the amenities, and familiarize yourself with the front desk information, if provided. Other services may be outlined such as receiving and sending mail, connecting to the internet, and dining services.
You will continue to receive information from various aspects of campus, for each letter, be sure you and your child read it. Create a "College Binder", this should be the place you store any and all information relevant to your son or daughter's college education. Begin by filing letters in chronological order. For each new calendar year, insert a divider or get a new binder.
In the middle of July, it is time to face reality, your child will be gone, moved out, and living their own life in typically six weeks or less. It is completely normal for you to begin crying (or jumping up and down celebrating). Be aware of your mood, the littlest of things can trigger an emotional meltdown. If possible, go on a vacation with your entire family, because sooner or later your child will begin their own life, and as much as it may hurt you, they might not want to go on a vacation with "mom and dad", or even come home for the summer.
It is time to begin preparing for opening weekend. This largely depends on the school and how far it is from your home. For flights, you should have bought tickets well in advance by now. Make any arrangements if you have pets or younger children, as it is called "Move-in WEEKEND" for a reason. Make motel accommodations (you cannot sleep in your child's room) if you plan on staying overnight. It is advised that parents leave their younger children behind, as they will undoubtedly be a distraction and draw attention to themselves rather than to your college student.
The next step is to consider what you will do with his or her room. When you pay the bill, it is only for fall or spring semester, or fall, winter, and spring quarters. You have to pay extra if your child wants to stay year round (such as during the summer). Most residence halls close for the winter holiday (usually two weeks), and there will be other holidays your child may need, not necessarily want, to come home. Bottom line; he or she will need somewhere to call home for at least a month or more out of the year.
In terms of packing, your best bet is to follow the school's recommendations, keeping a few details in mind. First off, there is no such thing as a "big dorm room'. They will always be smaller than you think! You will be amazed at how much you can store under the bed and in the closet. Thus there is not a lot of surface area, build up, not out. Stackable dressers, shelves, and bookcases will be your friend. Keep in mind, if your child is moving into a traditional residence hall, not only do they need everything for school and leisure activities, but their Top Raman needs to be put away with the midst of all this! Designate space in the room to stack cases of beverages, top ramen, and food. Make room for the mini-fridge too! When shopping, also be aware that the fridge is small enough by itself, let alone being shared by two people!
You may want to buy food, supplies, and other items once you arrive at the institution. This way you know how much space you have, soft drinks and snacks add up. Consider stackable drawers, these also work for storing food and drinks. Check for Wal*Mart, Costco, and Safeway locations. If you have the space, you could buy items throughout the summer as they go on sale at various retailers. If your child will not have a car, stock up.
When packing clothes and you are driving, simply place the clothes in garbage bags, along with plenty of hangers. Obtain a wrinkle reducing spray and lightly spray the clothes on arrival - this will save space and time. For suits, dresses, and tuxedos, a garment bag is recommended. This concept does not work that well when flying.
Pack early, the process can take anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks. Having items packed a few days early will allow you and your student to spend quality time with the family. If possible, it would be a good idea to have a home cooked meal two days before your student moves, invite their best friends, relatives, and other family members. The night before the big move should be spent with the closest of loved ones, relaxing and enjoying their company.
Before your child leaves for school, be sure to hold a "family conference" or group meeting. You will need to discuss pretty serious issues with your child. First and foremost discuss financial obligations to the family; will your child need to make monthly payments for housing rent or meals? How much money will they have for entertainment? Break this down per month, and if possible, per week. What are acceptable expenses? Which ones will you reimburse? How will loan or grant money be used? Will you allow your child to take a car? If so, outline policies such as paying for gas, diving safely, and who will pay for parking passes.
Once the financial obligations and requirements are outlined, discuss personal goals and concerns. List any concerns you may have, such as being responsible with money, food, or time. Perhaps stress the importance of eating right and exercising, to avoid the �freshmen 15". Discuss alcohol consumption with your student, and review your, and the school's, policies on drug and alcohol use.
Next, discuss academics, social networking, and communication. List your expectations in terms of grades, minimum and maximum unit loads per semester or quarter, and help your child to develop a study plan. Alongside academics comes socializing, how will your child balance school and social lives? Will you let your child work the first year? To what extent do you want your child involved? So much so they never go to class? I think not. Reinforce the idea of a balanced lifestyle.
Communication is vital; you need to set up a schedule and a few protocols. How will your child request more money? What happens if he or she fails a class (or two)? How often will you call them, and how often do they need to call you? Discuss e-mailing, letters, and keeping in contact with other family members. Devise emergency plans in case of a family death or sudden emergency. What if your child becomes hurt or ill? Create, and follow, these set protocols.
If financially and physically possible, arrive to the university the day before (Friday night for a Saturday move-in). This will allow you and your student time to calm down, relax, and get plenty of sleep. On move in morning arrive about a half hour before the check in time, often they will give you your (or their) room keys early, and if not, you will be first in line. Depending on how the University facilitates move in, expect to wait in a long line of eager students.
When arriving, be sure to park in the designated areas, as well as have all necessary ID and paperwork ready to present to the Housing, Residential Life, or Admissions officer. Look for team members wearing shirts that allude to Housing or Residential Life, in most cases, there will be tons of "University Officials" wandering about. Who knows, you may run into your student's Resident Advisor or Hall Director.
Once you have obtained the keys, make any necessary stops now, such as the Dining Hall, Customer Services, Financial Aid, or the Bookstore. When all is complete, head on over to your son or daughter's new home. Let him or her lead the way, simply shadow them, let them introduce themselves to other students. It is okay to mingle with other parents, but know this may embarrass your student.
When entering the room, DO NOT JUDGE or make any comments. Be as neutral and positive as possible. Let your student explore for a while, if there are roommates, the room needs to be set up mutually. In the worst case scenario you, the parent, will divide the room in half. Some students will arrive early, for work, sports, or if they are Student Leaders, if so, be as respectful as possible, and equally divide the room without messing up the roommates belongings. Of course, if they have both beds together, you may want to speak with the Resident Advisor.
When you begin to bring everything into the room, organization is crucial. But, do not do it for your child, you must help them put things away. If you put everything away for them, two things happen: they wonder where things are later, and no matter what, the room will look different in a week or two. When organizing, explain to your student how important it is, since the rooms are typically very small. Encourage your student to use the lounge if there is one.
As soon as most of the items are stored away, go outside the room and look for the Resident Advisor, they will be the first person your child will talk to if he or she has a problem. As a parent, you must let your son or daughter think and solve problems for themselves. If you get a phone call about how annoying a roommate is, do not try and solve it yourself, tell your child to speak to their Resident Advisor. If your child does not feel comfortable with the RA, have them make an appointment with their Hall Director. This person is typically the boss of the RA's in a hall (or halls) and will be the judicator for any violations.
Time to head back to the room and get out a pen and paper and make a shopping list! Whether it is furniture, school supplies, or drinks. Everything your child needs and everything you want your child to have needs to be purchased. You undoubtedly will forget a basic supply, such as toothpaste or shampoo. Once you have fully furnished your child's residence, it is time to lay another $500 on textbooks. Go to the bookstore with your child, and let them navigate. If you buy all their books for them now, they will be completely lost for winter or spring. Buying used textbooks is always a good idea, but make sure they are not "too used". Buy all required texts for classes, and examine the return policy closely. Can he or she return that $150 statistics book if they drop the class after the first week? Wait on supplemental texts, most professors will let them know how much they need them. Once all books are in the basket, pick up a school shirt for your child, and then buy yourself an item to remember your child by, such as a school coffee mug, or blanket. You will realize why this is important a few weeks later.
Once you return, attend any parent receptions that the school may offer. You can ask questions, or hear other parents ask the questions you may have. This will allow your child to settle in for a few minutes. After the reception, see if there is a barbeque or end of the day ceremony. This will be where you say farewell, and is when the University tells you "Thanks for the money, now leave!"
Now they have forced you to say the famous goodbye. This will be the hardest moment of your life. You are leaving your child and letting them live their own, independent life. Tears will shed, and you will be very emotional. Let them walk you to the car, in case they do cry; their roommate will not see it. Say any last words, and be on your way. The flight or car ride home will be tremendously difficult, so much that you will want to turn around. Don't do it.
Once you arrive home, get plenty of rest, and let everything sink in. If you have other children, focus your attention on them to fill the void in your heart. If you do not have any other kids, take up a hobby, gym membership, or join a social group. Network with friends, remain social. Some things will change in the household, but do not take it out on other children or family members.
Visiting your child is perfectly fine, but you need to wait a minimum of two months, preferably until Thanksgiving. Do not let your child come home either, encourage them to go on residence-hall sponsored trips, most schools offer many programs per weekend. There is always going to be something going on. If your child says they are bored, they're not putting in enough effort.
Your role as a parent has changed; you are no longer around them all day. You are now taking a more passive role. Your student will learn how to live on their own, from doing laundry, cleaning, and cooking. Know that you can be passive yet have a very active role in your child's life.