Catastrophe on Aisle 27: The Need for Federal Grocery Regulations

Federal Regulation of Grocery Shopping is Long Overdue

I heard the commotion from over a block away. The screeching tires and the sound of the impact was deafening. Debris was scattered everywhere. Working through my worst fears, I continued to press forward toward the melee.

Forcing my way through the crowd, I caught my first glimpse of the horrible aftermath. There, wedged between the Spam and the baked beans, stood all that was left of the mangled shopping cart. Lying on its side, the cart was a convoluted web of steel and Uncle Ben’s rice. The rear wheels were still spinning freely. Probably for the first time in their life. A few feet from the twisted remains stood a wailing woman in the arms of the produce manager: witness to the accident. It had all happened so quickly. One moment, the woman had been scrutinizing the Chocolate Doodles. The next moment, catastrophe.

Succumbed by grief, I turned to walk away from the commotion, asking myself: “Could this accident have been prevented? Or was it just another pointless by-product of a reckless hit and run shopper?”

I’ve never been one to promote the regulation of any industry. I even found it distasteful when someone came up with the concept of the 10 items or less line. But with the exponential rise of grocery shoppers, couple with the flagrant paucity of shopping regulations, it’s only a matter of time until it won’t be safe to walk the aisles anymore.

If I had my way, I would initiate a four-point plan for the regulation of supermarkets and shoppers.

Point one would govern the licensing of all supermarket shoppers. Shoppers would have to be at least 21 years of age to operate a shopping cart. In certain states, mandates could override this requirement by issuing a temporary learner’s permit. The permit holder would be limited to operating a shopping cart during daylight hours, and prohibited from carrying passengers younger than 18 in the child’s seat. Of course, seat belts would be required.