Tic Tac Crack

Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Breath Mints

The clock, it taunts me, "tic tac tic tac tic tac..."

Orange tic tacs recently entered my life, with profound consequence: a breath mint habit akin to crack addiction. Hyperbole? Perhaps. But I pass on this tale of tasty woe with the hope that others may recognize in themselves the potential monster before it's too late. This, friends, is
 the story of orange tic tacs and the breath mint beast which they unleashed.

For the record, I do not have bad breath.

I stood, innocently enough, on line at the grocery store, waiting to pay for my food and be on my way. The old hunched-over hag ahead of me was drawing out her transaction with an interminable submersion into her change purse. "A dime... that's 12... what was it-$22.88? Here's a nickel... 17...Oh, heeeere's that coupon for the Kleenex! Scan that for me, dear."

In anticipation of a reduced total, her wrinkly-knuckled little fingers dropped a flurry of coins back into the purse. Besieged by horrid, violent, unspeakable thoughts, I sought distraction.

Little did I know that two of my better traits--impulsiveness and an addictive personality--were about to merge over a tiny clear plastic container into an unholy union of dependency.

A case of orange tic tac breath mints.

Understand, I'm generally uninterested in all things gum, mint, or sucking candy. I tried, as a younger man, to find a gum with lasting flavor. There isn't one. Ads proclaiming otherwise are malicious lies. A piece of gum may be briefly delicious, but the unending wan and tasteless wad with which you are quickly left ruins the experience.

I was inexplicably drawn to those tic tacs. They beckoned to me, bright baby orange beacons piercing through the maddening brain sizzle induced by that demon of a frozen- and paper-goods consumer. You might say she was the serpent tempting me toward the forbidden tic tacs of Knowledge. Well, maybe not forbidden. And not exactly knowledge. Okay, poor metaphor. Nevertheless, partaking of their minty goodness would bring me delight, but a delight whose price was no less than the forlorn and forsaken depths of damnation.

Related information
  • The CIA first flooded ghettos in major US cities with tic tacs in 1969.
 
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geez I have totally been there. You have to go cold turkey! It's the only way!

Posted on 05/25/2009 at 5:05:11 PM

heh (=

Posted on 04/26/2009 at 10:04:03 PM

Wow, that was funny as heck as well as really well written. Kudos for you.

Posted on 03/17/2009 at 1:03:25 PM

I absolutely adore your moving tale of love and addiction.

Posted on 10/26/2008 at 4:10:47 PM

hahaah! the deepest story I have ever heard about Tic-Tacs...yet those orange ones are addicting as hell. ;) too cute.

Posted on 07/19/2008 at 6:07:10 PM

haha im tottaly there, with the orange and white kind

Posted on 07/07/2008 at 6:07:49 PM

EXCELLENT! This is incredibly funny. Joy suggested that I read this piece, and I am so glad she did. I have recently confessed to being a gummy bear addict, but I don't fool with tic tacs because I will deplete an entire container in one day. LOL.

Posted on 06/17/2008 at 7:06:16 PM

A classic! There should be a movie version.

Posted on 06/12/2008 at 11:06:01 AM

Well written!

Posted on 06/08/2008 at 6:06:56 PM

I wanted so much to see the humor in this piece but it fell short. I can see what you were going for. But you are obviously smarter than this! It's a good piece but I know you can do so much more. The reference to the old lady in line in front of you is very revealing. You must be very young. (A situation that time will all too soon take care of). But don't let the arrogance of youth get in the way of your writing. Learn to see the big picture. Where you saw the old lady as a nuisance, I would have seen her beauty and would have initiated a conversation with her, carried her packages to her car and tried to learn all I could from her in those few moments. The article was a nice read. But I suspect you are capable of writing something much more important than this!

Posted on 05/29/2008 at 10:05:34 PM

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