For Better or for Worse - Boston Man Marries Himself

In a Landmark Case for Matrimonial Rights, a Boston Man Marries Himself in a Private Service

Boston, MA – In a landmark case for matrimonial rights, a Boston man married himself today in a private service. Roland Nigland, 31, stood before a municipal judge and a small gathering of close friends to profess his love to himself in what is believed to be the first, same-person marriage on record.

“From the moment that I saw my reflection in the mirror,” said Nigland, “I fell in love with myself.” Nigland confessed that the first time that he started to experience strong feelings for himself was in the third grade. “I pulled a dirty T-shirt out of the laundry hamper and pressed my face into the armpit. “I couldn’t get that fragrance out of my mind.” As Nigland became a young man, he started to experience undeniable sexual feelings for himself. “At first, I tried to ignore them. But, one day when my hand innocently brushed up against my thigh, I knew that I had to take it to the next level.”

At first, Nigland innocently flirted with himself in the school library, but feared that someone might catch him in the act, so he started renting cheap rooms at the Bedford Motel. “I was always nervous when I checked in. When the desk clerk asked me how many guests would be spending the night, even though I knew it was only me, I would start to sweat.”

After several years of clandestine meetings, Nigland finally decided to come out of the closet. At dinner one evening, Nigland confessed to his parents that he was in love with himself and that he was making plans to marry. His parents were stunned. “What about that attractive Elaine Lieberman down the street?” exclaimed his mother. “And what about starting a family?” Nigland tried explaining to his parents that after years of futilely dating women, he realized that there was only one person for him: himself.