The Vatican III: Sweeping New Changes for Practicing Roman Catholics

The Vatican – On the fifth anniversary of the election of John Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI, the Vatican announced today that they have concluded proceedings of the Vatican III. Not since the second Ecumenical Council adjourned in 1965 has the Catholic Church adopted such sweeping changes in doctrine, aimed at reclaiming many of its lost parishioners.

“When Pope John Paul died in 2005, we decided to seize the opportunity to spruce things up a bit,” said Joaquin Navarro-Valls, Vatican spokesman. “To tell you the truth, most of the College of Cardinals felt that John Paul was kind of stodgy. He needed to get out a bit more and live a little. We couldn’t wait to get some new blood into the leadership of the church.” 

One of the first things that the council agreed upon after his death was a radical change in the matrimonial laws for priests. “We’re losing priests left and right,” said Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, archbishop of Buenos Aires. “As of today, priests are not only free to marry, they’re encouraged. And we’re even going one step further.” He’s referring, of course, to the church’s decision to adopt the practice of polygamy ; the very same practice abandoned by the Mormon Church over 100 years ago. “No reflection on the Mormons, but they just didn’t know how to handle their women,” said Bergoglio. “We’ve established a whole new set of guidelines for young priests that will keep them engaged every minute of the day. They’ll be so busy chasing after their six young wives, they won’t have time to even look at little boys.”