Fall 2006 Back to School Girls' Fashions for the Terminally Baffled Grown Up

Being of the completely ancient, utterly uncool, terminally out of touch variety of human adult myself, I did what any self-respecting chronicler of American Culture would do to write an article on "Hot Trends."

I asked teenagers and parents of teenagers. The latter usually blinked a lot and looked a little spacey, giving answers like, "Those... jean... things that hang off her... with her ... panties...hanging out." And, "I'M NOT LETTING HER OUT OF THE HOUSE LOOKING LIKE THAT!" The former, luckily, were a bit more helpful, and a lot less hysterical. This article takes their answers, and translates them into Baffled Grown Up language for the latter.

Here is what your kid will HAVE to have for fall 2006, because - OMG EVERYBODY ELSE HAS THEM! Do you WANT your daughter to be a loser freak?

1. Designer Jeans That Cost More Than Your Mortgage, But Cover Less Than Most Underwear (Hollister, 7, Diesel, Lucky, Hilfiger, GUESS?, True Religion, Antik, Joe's Jeans) 

2. Fashions You Prayed You'd Never See Again (PUFFY SLEEVES! GOUCHOS! LEGGINGS! SWEATER DRESSES! WIDE BELTS! ARRRGH!) 

3. Breaking Your Mother's Color Rules (WHITE! AFTER LABOR DAY!) 

4. Shoes Impossible To Walk In, or Made For Bikers, Surfers, Peter Pan, Captain Jack Sparrow, or Ballerinas (Wedges, Platforms, Biker boots, Ankle Boots, Cuffed Slouch Boots, Ballernia Style Flats, Flip-flops) 

5. Skirts So Short, You're Afraid Your Kid Will Get Arrested 

6. Fashions No One Over a Size 8 Could Ever Wear (Empire Waists, Shrugs, Ultra-Low Riders) 

7. Smart Mouthed Tee Shirts 

8. Bags You Could Carry Dead Bodies In 

9. Necklaces That Double As Weapons 

10. Electronics as Accessories


1. Designer Jeans That Cost More Than Your Mortgage, But Cover Less Than Most Underwear

The Brands - According to my informants, these are the brand names that your teen must have in order to avoid being a social outcast.