Abduction Tips for Humans: A How-To Guide for a Meaningful Abduction

Have you been sitting around watching all these UFO-Alien Abduction specials on cable and wondering just when these aliens are going to get around to contacting you? Have you sat there through hour after hour of The Discovery Channel and The History Channel just devouring everything said about the alien abduction phenomenon only to feel strangely empty at the end of the program? You want an abduction experience. You want to be taken aboard the little gray men's flying saucers. You too want to have torturous nightmares for the rest of your life, discover strange and troublesome electronic implants embedded in your head (you want to be tagged like we would tag a wild animal), and most of all, you want to be able to undergo hypnotic regression so that you can get enough material to write a bestseller and end up on Oprah.

You already have the book titled: How I Was Taken from My Bed and Had Sexual Experiments Done to Me: And Now You Can Too!

Well, I have tips. I have tips for those of you who not only have been sitting around waiting to become abducted but also for those of you who, if you had your way, would rather the little aliens leave you alone. I am going to provide for you in this essay a Definitive Guide for those who have been abducted and would like never to have this experience again, for those who not only loved their first abduction experience but also are eagerly waiting for a repeat performance, and for those who never, ever want this nonsense to start. I have a little something for all no matter what your aliens from space abduction needs are.

TIP ONE: Providing Proof

You have been taken from your bed or car, had all manner of unsolicited sexual experiments done to you, but you can't prove this to anyone and no one believes you.