Kids Say the Dumbest Things

Let me preface this by saying that before I became an educator, I was never a teacher's pet. I wasn't the good kid in class. I was often the class clown. Still, I did my work, I learned, and I respected boundaries.

These days, it seems, kids have no clue how to understand basic orders. For example, the standard, "There is no talking during this assignment," command apparently holds three inherent exceptions that only students are aware of.

I. Unless someone asks you something.
II. Unless you needed to tell someone something.
III. Unless five to 10 seconds pass after the teacher utters the command.

Why do I think this? It's simple! Here's a typical interaction:

ME: Britteny, there's no talking.
Britteny: (looking over her shoulder as she faces rear neighbor) I wasn't talking.
ME: (looking crazy)
Britteny: I wasn't! I was just telling her something.
ME: Oh. I thought you were talking.
Britteny: Oh, ok.
ME: That was sarcasm.
Britteny: Oh.
ME: Britt, if your mouth is moving and sound is coming out, I'm going to consider it talking. That includes talking to yourself, singing, reading out loud, mouthing something silently, sign language. FOCUS!
Brittney: Oh, sorry. (Big smile... waits five seconds... turns around to finish conversation).

Then there's the matter of reading directions. I can post a brilliantly composed and planned instructional sentence on the overhead - like, "Write five sentences about your vacation." Inevitably, a hand will shoot up five minutes into the assignment.

ME: Yes, Kendall?
Kendall: What do we do?
ME: Read the overhead.
Kendall: (Reading) Oh, ok.
ME: (walking away)
Kendall: Oooh! (Waving hand)
ME: Yeah?
Kendall: How many sentences?

But what really helps me keep the day going are the insanely ridiculous comments and questions that pop out without an internal censor to shriek "Don't say THAT!" Among my favorites are:

Jani: Mr. Jones, can we call you "Todd?"
ME: You can call me by my last name.
Jani: But, Mr. Jones?
ME: Yes?
Jani: What IS your last name?