How To Go To War with the Spiders

The one major drawback I have discovered about my new apartment appears to be the hatching of a spider egg. Every night I notice a bunch of very tiny spiders up near the place where the walls meet the ceiling. Some near my kitchen, a few near my bathroom and some right above where I work at this desk. The simple fact is I hate spiders. No, wait, let me rephrase, I despise spiders with an all-consuming passion that scares me.

I think spiders are the most horrid and disgusting creatures on the earth. Eight legs! Who needs eight legs that stick to things? Nothing, I tell you. They weave those webs that always get stuck across your face in the middle of the damn night when you are trying to rummage around in the dark. They eat things by killing them, wrapping them in webbing and then slowly liquefying them and drinking their fluids. They are tiny eight-legged vampires.

I am the worlds foremost spider serial killer. I destroy them completely and without prejudice. If it is a spider, it will die in my presence. In my mind I imagine there are spider newscasts that relay my daily total. I must have killed thousands upon thousands of these vile little creatures. My preferred method? I enjoy spraying them with a chemical an then watching then thrash about in what I imagine is agony until they stop moving.

At one time I preferred to have a can of “Raid” nearby. I soon discovered that pretty much any chemical will do. You know why I think it works? Well, imagine having eight zillion eyes and then getting sprayed in them with mace. It would hurt eight zillion times more, I imagine, right? So, if you want to have an idea about the chemicals that are supposedly safe that we spray around our houses just take a bottle of the nearest chemical and spray it on a spider. Spray enough of it and it must go into some kind of chemical shock or something. I have sprayed them with Raid, Febreeze, kitchen cleaner, carpet cleaner, cologne, hair spray, vinyl cleaners, flea and tick spray, cooking spray. Whatever sprays.