Amy Winehouse Top 5 New Year's Resolutions

Other than Katie Holmes, no celebrity is in need of New Year's resolutions than Amy Winehouse. Wino is okay with a lot of things, particularly that which can go into her arm or down her throat. But she is not okay with the way that the police have treated her husband, Blake Fieldstreamriver.

And she can't possibly understand why paparazzi would be waiting outside her house at four in the morning. That's why she went out there in a red bra and looked like she was going to kill somebody, because she's totally normal and she just wants everyone to leave her alone.

5. An escape plan for Blake. Blake is currently holed up in jail. She thinks this is unconstitutional and has plans to break him out. Only problem is, she weighs about as much as a dime bag and she eats ten times her normal weight in potato chips and fried foods. The grease coming from her breath would be a dead giveaway, as would the loud farting noises and giggles as she uses a pen and jabs it into the brick wall of the facility.

4. Health food. Naw, fark that bloody stuff. Where's the chocolate?

3. A new tattoo. Yeah, she's already got so many tattoos that they actually highlight the dark hairs on her arms and make them appear darker. But another won't hurt and she can wash the pain down with a tall glass of rubbing alcohol, anyway.

2. A new man. She's already married, but she wouldn't be the first addict, uh, person to decide that she needs some companionship. Whether that means sharing a flat with another junkie and fighting over who gets the last potato chip is not up to me to decide.

1. A new hairdo. Since the beehive probably has rats crawling around in it at this point in time it would be a smart idea, for safety's sake, to shave the whole thing off and start fresh. You know, like Sinead O'Connor. It worked for her. Why not take the plunge off the deep end? It already seems like she's gonna do that, anyway.