Best Part of the News is Those Wacky Headlines

The news can be an endless source of entertainment. The best thing about them is often the headlines. Most of the times I could care less about the actual story. The best part is just the headline. What I like are not the big stories of the day. To be honest, I could care less about Mel Gibson and whether he danced nude on top of a police car while having sex with the skull of Moses or whatever it is they say he did. Of course, I am not Jewish. Still, had be insulted Protestants I don’t think I would care either. If Mel’s words can shake my faith and insult me that much then, obviously, it’s time to reconsider my own beliefs.

No, I enjoyed the news story I saw yesterday about how India is using some sort of primate handler to chase monkeys off of commuter trains. Apparently monkeys have been getting onto the commuter trains and making nasty faces and scowling at passengers causing a lot of problems. So, there is some other kind of primate with a name I cannot remember that scares the monkeys. So, they got a handler of one of these creatures to patrol the trains. I love a good monkey story. As I told a friend yesterday, any story containing either a monkey or a Monkee is bound to be hilarious. My favorite part was a quote at the end by the primate handler.

“There are too many monkeys,” he is quoted as saying.

I think that just about says it all, don’t you? How can we concentrate on Hezbollah when there are too many monkeys? Is it a bad thing that there are too many monkeys? They do throw their poop but then again so do some Frat boys and NASCAR fans, so it’s hard to say that should entirely exclude them from the party.

My other favorite headline from yesterday was “MAN WEARING PANTIES ON HIS HEAD STEALS FUDGE.” Man, I did not even bother to read the rest of that one. Whatever the story is it could not possibly match up with the delight of reading that headline.