How to Survive the Dysfunctional Family Holiday Get-together

Apart from massive amounts of alcohol I get through the dysfunctional family holiday by remembering these rules �€"

1. A fake smile is better than no smile. A fake smile makes people wonder why you are so happy. They won't ask because they don't want to hear the good news that you landed the job of your dreams. They will just stare and wonder. Loads of fun.

2. Be kind and friendly even if you are the only one to do so. It is impossible to argue with a happy person who doesn't fight back. Sometimes it helps to hum a holiday song. Maybe Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

3. Imagine you are with a different family. A make-believe family where everyone loves everyone and joy abounds. My dog plays in the back yard with his imaginary friend. Play with your imaginary family. Again, alcohol.

4. Make it your personal goal to not let any comment or mean mugging phase you in any way. Remember the universal rule of Kharma. My Aunt Ina was the queen of mean mugging and one year she stormed out of the room when someone in the family started playing a guitar and singing a holiday song. She hated life and people in general. She died the next week of a heart attack while sitting at the kitchen table. No worries.

5. Bring a stranger. This worked for me one year when I invited my Muslim friend from Turkey to our traditional Midwestern family Christmas dinner. He brought Hummus and crackers as his contribution to the dinner. It was spectacular. Everyone left me alone that year.

6. Take it upon yourself to clean up all wrapping papers, plates, cups, and trash. It is difficult to hate someone who is taking your dirty paper plate away from you so you don't have to get your fat ass off the couch. You are a hero.

7. Don't share any personal information. Keep them guessing. Go for confusion. Buy the biggest fake diamond ring you can find at the Hong Kong jewelry store. They look real when they are new and clean. Never divulge that you lost your job and boyfriend this year. For maximum effect, rent a sports car to arrive in.