I Can't Do This

As I slowly inched closer and closer to the speaker box at which I would place my order, I felt a drip of nervous persperation roll off my forehead.

"Do you know what you want?", I asked my wife.

"I can't see the menu" was the reply.

I could have told you that this was going to be the answer. It is always the answer. And as usual I began thinking to myself, "HOW can she not know the McDonalds menu by now? Every American can quote the entire McDonalds menu, some can even quote prices as well. The McDonalds menu is as old as time, penned by our forefathers shortly after the completion of The Declaration Of Independence." But I keep these thoughts to myself because I have learned that to verbalize them only creates an episode and prolongs the decision making process. I instead turn to my darling children and ask the same question. The answer came at me from two mouths simultaneously, making it impossible to determine who said what, but it sounded like this:

"I want a cheeseburger happy meal, I want a chicken nugget happy meal, and the purple toy, with mustard sauce, no wait make it a blue toy, and root beer, but I don't want the same toy as her, I think I want nuggets instead, and ketchup, but I already have that toy, can we go to Burger King?"

It is now my turn at the speaker. My palms are sweating and I'm having trouble breathing, for I know what is about to happen.

"I'll have the Big Mac meal with a Coke and..............................."

I always say 'and' in a prolonged and exaggerated way as an attempt to cue my wife to jump in with her order, but I am met only with silence as she studies the menu. I divert back to the kids, noticing that the little old lady behind me is beginning to look a little impatient.

"I also need two happy meals, one cheeseburger and one chicken nugget, with blue and purple toys."

"NO, I want a red toy"

"What to drink with those sir?"

"Lemonaides and make it a red toy"

"I want a cheeseburger instead"

"I'm sorry sir, we are all out of red toys"

"Mustard sauce, dad, and I don't like lemonaide."

" Make the nugget a cheeseburger, change the lemonaide to a Coke and the red toy to a green toy."

"I want curly fries, dad"