5 Reasons the Green Bay Packers Will Beat the Seattle Seahawks: NFL Playoffs 2008, Round 2

Take that, jerks! Despite all of your nay-saying, I went four for four on my first-round predictions! (Okay, I realize it was actually one for four, but let's not split hairs here.) I'd like to thank all of my readers for their encouragement and praise. It's comments like "you don't know anything," "this guy is a dumbass," and "do you watch football?" that truly make my life worth living. It's you--the fans--that allow me to get out of bed every morning and dedicate myself to top-notch sportswriting day after day.

This weekend, the Dallas Cowboys, Indianapolis Colts, and New England Patriots will probably win some boring games against some pretty decent teams. I don't really care about that. I'm only here to talk about the Green Bay Packers: the last real football team around. The only one of the eight remaining teams that actually has some soul, some history, some entertainment value.

Specifically, I'm here today to glorify the brutal, nondiscriminatory manner in which Green Bay will disassemble the worthless Seahawks in the upcoming playoff game at Lambeau Field. Eat your stupid Campbell's Chunky Soup, stupid Matt Hasselbeck... it may be the last thing you ever do. Without further retardation, here are 5 reasons the Green Bay Packers will beat the Seattle Seahawks on Saturday.

1. The forecast. It's going to be about 20 degrees Fahrenheit in Green Bay on Saturday. This should be cold enough to make the Seahawks suck significantly worse than they already do. The Seahawks come from a tropical paradise called Washington, where's it's a scorching 40 degrees right now. It's supposed to get up to a face-melting 47 there by the end of the week. The Seahawks won't know what hit them when they walk out onto the frozen tundra. And in case you're wondering, the chance of precipitation in Green Bay on Saturday is 10%... keep your fingers crossed...