Final Fantasy VII: Supercondensed: One of the Most Influential Games of the Past 10 Years

'AHEM'

We start off with AVALANCHE blowing up a MAKO REACTOR in MIDGAR.

Mako Reactor: Boom.

PRESIDENT SHINRA gets PISSED. He orders the pillar holding up SECTOR 7 to be DESTROYED, theoretically wiping out rebel group AVALANCHE. Three members of AVALANCHE survive.

Cloud: Woo-hoo!

However, AERIS is KIDNAPPED by the TURKS.

Cloud: D'oh!

CLOUD, TIFA, and BARRET rescue AERIS and meet RED XIII. PRESIDENT SHINRA is KILLED by SEPHIROTH. RUFUS arrives and inherits the Presidency. AVALANCHE escapes and RUN AWAY from the SHINRA with their tails between their LEGS.

Red XIII: I refuse to do this joke.

AVLANCHE regroups in KALM. Cloud tells his story about what happened five years ago in NIBELHIEM.

Cloud: ....And then I put Tifa's underwear on my head, danced a little irish jig, then smacked Sephiroth around like the little pantywaist that he is.

Tifa: 'rolls her eyes' Suuuuure, Cloud. We believe you.

AVALANCHE travels to JUNON. On the way, they meet YUFFIE.

Yuffie: Hi. My name is Yuffie, and I'm a rude, obnoxious, self-absorbed teenage thief with parental issues who's training to be a ninja master. I will steal all of your materia later on and I'll just get a slap on the wrist for it.

Cloud: Hey, cool! We could really use someone like you.

AVALANCHE disguises themselves as members of SHINRA, INC. and cross the OCEAN. On this new continent, various HIJINKS ensue and CAIT SITH, VINCENT, and CID join the group. AVALANCHE heads to the TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENTS. SEPHIROTH MESSES with CLOUD'S HEAD and he takes the BLACK MATERIA.

Sephiroth: Give.... me.... your...... PUPPIES!

Cloud: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Tifa: I think he's talking to ME.

AERIS sneaks off to the CITY OF THE ANCIENTS. EVERYONE follows her. SEPHIROTH KILLS AERIS. Cloud FORGETS how to use REVIVE magic. FANBOYS begin the pitiful "AERIS REVIVAL" debate.

Aeris: Ro..... Rosebud..... 'hack' 'cough' 'dies'