Vice President Cheney Wins 5th Straight Puppy Blood Drinking Championship

Cheney Reportedly Upset Over Falling Short of His Personal Best

Washington D.C.-Vice President Dick Cheney won his record fifth consecutive puppy blood drinking contest title Monday by downing the blood of 24 puppies in 12 minutes, leaving 17 competitors in his wake. But the Vice President, fell short of his personal best set last year - the blood of a record 37 Puppies in 12 minutes.
"The Vice President is very sad" said a spokesperson for the Vice President. "He had hoped to beat it (his previous record). Maybe next year he will." Sources close to the Vice President confirm that Mr. Cheney may have missed his previous record due to the fact that he suffered from a bout of conscience recently, a condition known to be sometimes deadly to careers in Washington. The Vice President reportedly got over it quickly after ordering the rape and torture of some 17 Iraqi prisoners held in a secret prison in an undisclosed location.

Laura Bush, 60, placed second. Her consumption of the blood of 17 puppies came close to tying the record for first ladies. The first lady record for puppy blood drinking was set by Nancy Reagan in 1982, when she finished off the blood of 18 puppies in five minutes before stopping for a bathroom break. When asked why she didn't complete the full 12 minute event, The then first lady responded "My psychic told me that beating Ronnie would be something he'd never forget."

Before the event, a very chipper and peckish looking Vice President said "I trained for speed. This is a cake walk for me. My undisclosed locations get a bit boring. Boredom makes you just want to shoot someone in the face. Thankfully, this spring, my staff came up with the bright idea of bringing me gallons upon gallons of baby blood drawn from the bodies of Iraqi orphans. Baby blood is a lot thicker than puppy blood. So I am ready for this event. Have your cameras ready, cuz the VP is gonna' make HISTORY".