Why I Don't Wash My Hands

'The Man' Wants You to Feel Dirty All the Time, But You're Not

Let me admit something: I don't always wash my hands after I use the bathroom. Specifically, after I go "number one."

Do you know why? It's not because my mom didn't raise me right or I'm nasty, I'm just being logical. Sometimes, I'll even do the opposite: I'll wash my hands before I use the bathroom!

Allow me to explain.

I'm a clean person. I shower every morning and after every workout (when that happens). I am in a faithful relationship with one woman who is also clean, so I don't have any communicable diseases. I take care of my bits and pieces. And, scientifically, urine is a very sterile fluid.

Not that I piss on myself, see. If I piss on myself, I'll wash up... don't get me wrong. What I'm saying is that given the amount and frequency in which I scrub, and the fact that it's shielded by multiple layers of clean cloth, there are dirtier places on my body than... you know. Case in point: my hands. They touch everything and everyone all day. They're gross.

So, instead of spreading the germs from my hands to my business, I wash my hands first. Then, with clean hands, I touch my clean situation and initiate a clean, healthy waste extraction.

The exceptions are if the urinal or toilet is dirty and I have to flush using my hand... then I'll wash.

I'm actually very OCD about washing my hands. In high school, I found that if I don't wash my hands every hour or so, I get really uncomfortable. I have to get up from my desk at work every now and then just to wash my hands because they feel grimy. The first thing I do after work is wash my hands. When I shake a person's hand, I'll think about how soon it will be until I can make it to a bathroom. But, there is no logical reason, unless I am sweaty, sick, or otherwise contaminated, for me to wash my hands just because I've touched my penis.