NEWS: VizzQwest Braille Clock Flops

SPARROW FLEW THE NEST

VizzQwest Marketing Inc. has issued a public plea to help track down its co-founder, Jakk Sparrow. A former buccaneer and shyster, Sparrow is soon-to-be former VizzQwest Corporate Marketing Director. The man seems to have taken flight: nowhere to be seen after market analysts reported unfavorably on VizzQwest's (NYSE: VZQWAK) stock value nearly two weeks ago, based on reviews of the controversial "Braille Clock".

STOP-SMOKING KITS WERE CROCKS

VizzQwest's former project, the Har! Brand "Stop-Smoking-Cigarette Kit", ended up being shelved after AC news reporter Carole Bengle Gilbert received a scoop from reliable tipster-parrot Chico Aranha. Reporter Gilbert's past exposés include CIA front offices and Unofficial Spy Trips into Israel.

Gilbert says Aranha - the feathered co-founder of the wildly controversial inter-species dating service Beaks for Buffalos - overhead a conversation while sitting/shitting on Sparrow's shoulder during one of the pirate's frequent bouts of drunken boasting. Apparently Sparrow had colluded with unscrupulous barristers (lawyers) to find loopholes to repackage fake Cuban cigars as the main component of the stop-smoking kit. The cigars were to be purchased from a shady supplier, hard-time ex-con Ollie who recently was sent off to the slammer on unrelated illicit activities.

That Aranha is a close personal friend of Ollie seems to be sheer coincidence.

Says AC reporter Gilbert about her tip on the stop-smoking kit, "Basically Sparrow was trying to dupe smokers by getting them hooked on cigars as a replacement to cigarettes. The claim to get folks off cigarettes as technically true was underwritten by lawyers, but the final call was that Jakk Sparrow was merely having smokers trade one evil for another. Like promising to help someone get off vodka by offering gin!"

CROCK CLOCK: BLIND DECEPTION