Self-Loather's Guide to Dating

21 Ways to Sabotage Yourself on a Date

With countless self-help guides and episodes of Oprah and Dr. Phil designed to help people with problems in their lives, it is difficult for those of us who enjoy wallowing in self-pity to continue our self-loathing ways. I have therefore decided to write a series of guides especially written for people like me. I have written a guide, called the Tutorial: How to Sabotage Yourself as a starting point for those who are interested. This series of guides will cover specific topics, beginning with dating. Following are 21 simple steps to the perfect date from a self-loather's perspective. I am confident that this will help self-loathers everywhere to continue in their comfortable, unhappy, and worthless lives.

1. Make sure you talk at length to your date about all the mistakes your ex-boy or girlfriend or ex-spouse made, but that you're sure that he or she is different. He or she will be glad to know they couldn't possibly be as bad as that loser.

2. Order spaghetti, and take large bites. The slurping sound might turn on your date.

3. If you're a woman, wear a low-cut dress. Sometime during the evening, bend over in such a way as to allow a boob to "accidentally" pop out. That will really impress him.

4. It's OK to let a fart or two rip. Your date will appreciate your candid behavior.

5. Swearing profusely and telling a few dirty jokes is a great way to find out whether your date is a prude.

6. Suggest a fun activity such as bungee jumping for your first date. There's nothing like the fear of death to break the ice.

7. Chug a few beers, then suggest a burping contest. Fun games are a good way to connect on a new level.

8. If you're a guy, wear skin tight pants so she can see that you are a "complete package."

9. Be sure to mention at some point during the evening that you haven't been tested for STDs in awhile. This will ensure that, since you are wearing gross underwear, you don't sleep together on the first date, since wearing ugly underwear never stopped you before, and only led to embarrassment.