The Top Ten Androgynous Prostitute Secrets: Know What You're Paying for

The old adage “never judge a book by its cover” has been used for centuries, usually to demonstrate how stereotypes are misleading and how anyone is capable of anything. But, if we look closer, the phrase can also apply to everyday life, and remind us all that even the prettiest belle of the ball could remove her corsage, and underneath, reveal a devilish side of disease. So, keeping yourself alert enough to avoid life’s pitfalls, like the occasional wallet stealing, kidney thievery, or, perhaps the most embarrassing, the misjudgment of a hooker’s sexual orientation (or, as we’ll refer to it here on out as a: Bonaduce) should be priority A #1 for you. 

Now we all know the basic characteristics of your average woman: shiny shimmering wavy locked hair, dreamy eyes, an angry ex-boyfriend and a strong hankering for expensive jewelry and dinner reservations, but, can these gender defining characteristics really be faked by some dude named Claude using only a lipstick and strategically placed fishnets? Sadly, the answer is yes. More and more, men who go on the soul patrol for a lady of the night, end up getting into a fistfight with a heavily bearded and stogie smoking “lady” over the rights to what kind of discount should be discussed for the loss of the man’s sexual identity. So, in my effort to save you the embarrassing newspaper headlines that come from pulling a Bonaduce, I present to you, ten dead giveaways that your paid by the hour date has more testosterone than Floyd Landis, and is packing more sausage than the Johnsonville Brat warehouse. 

1. Wig Failure
Watch the hairline of the woman in question. It may dodge, dip, duck, dive, and dodge, proving its authenticity, or, it may stand firm. You can test the hairdo easily (and nonchalantly) by throwing a quarter several feet away from the would be woman. When they scurry towards it, watch their hair. If it flutters naturally, you have a fighting chance. If it’s solid, either that is a man, or that’s Ted Koppell.