Ten Reasons Why You Should Not Buy Monopoly

Before you buy Monopoly, the property trading game from Parker Brothers, consider these top ten reasons not to bring this tantrum-induing, vice-promoting, soul-crushing, money-sapping, bi-polar, tension-producing, baby-killing monster of a game into your home.

1. “Monopoly” is tough on sensitive children and adults.

Part of the fun of the game is being a real shyster and a creep to the other players, taking them for everything they’ve got and kicking them when they’re down. When everyone’s in a good mood, that’s fine. However, if someone at the game table is having a bad day already? Ouch, ouch, ouch.

2. When you play “Monopoly,” everyone is the loser.

The losers of “Monopoly” are definitely losers. There are not many games that offer a loss quite as traumatic and unsettling as the slow, helpless feeling of falling into bankruptcy at the cold, sadistic hands of a friend or relative who you previously thought was warm, gentle, loving, and on your side. However, even the winners of “Monopoly” have a really bad time. The nervous, guilty pleasure of beating other people at the game is a lot more terrible than winning at almost any other board game, because it makes you realize you’re probably the biggest jerk in the room. Losing at Monopoly can be the sad icing on a cake of sadness, and winning at it can make you wonder who you really are inside, so if you must buy Monopoly, make sure you only play it when everyone feels emotionally safe and secure.

3. “Monopoly” is really, really boring.

Monopoly is notorious for being a game that takes, literally, forever. And with long play comes long periods where almost nothing interesting is happening.

4. “Monopoly” is pretty bi-polar.