Turning Emotional Pollution into Significance

Imagine this if you can. A ten-year-old named Alan is living through his parents divorce. The father he had adored and trusted was no longer coming home at night. His relationship with that father had dwindled to every other weekend and trying to cram all his love into 48 hours.

He held onto hope that things would change and his Dad would begin to pay more attention. He watched as his father moved further and further away from him emotionally. He wanted to yell out, to ask his Dad to not change, to continue to love him and find him important. He felt as if he were standing on a ledge and there was no one to catch him if he should fall and it wasn't a feeling he knew how to deal with. He decided to be brave, to go to his Dad and try to explain, in the best way a 10 year old can, that he was hurting and needing his Dad's attention.

Catching his breath and pumping out his chest, Alan, mustered up all his courage. He was afraid of hurting his Dad so he put much thought into what he would say. It was important to be gentle because the last thing he would ever want to do is hurt his Dad's feelings. So, with courage and a great love for his Dad he writes these words in an email. "Dad, I love you and when you don't call me or come to see me, it hurts my feelings."

He checks his email daily, several times a day. Alan is certain that his father will understand and that things will begin to get better. After all, when things are bad, doesn't talking about it always help?

Two days after he sends his email he gets his much awaited response from his Dad. He writes, "Alan, your feelings aren't my responsibility. If your feelings are hurt then you just need to change your feelings." When Alan read that email he knew in his heart that his Dad had moved to far away emotionally for things to ever be normal again.

When we hear such stories as the one above it can take our breath away. We can feel the pain and confusion of that child. Our imaginations lead us down the road into the future and we wonder what path such an emotionally polluted and injured child will take. The truth is, this is a narrative about the narcissistic behavior of a father and how his son is victimized by it.