Valentine's Day Cynics: How to Cope, According to an Expert

When I think of Valentine's Day, sometimes I think of beauty and roses and loving feelings sprawled out in their nakedness like a half-eaten box of chocolates. Within these thoughts, Valentine's Day is an idyllic occasion in a classically romantic film, preferably in French. Usually when my dreams wander into Valentine-induced Candyland, I discover that I'm a florist or the proprietor of a widely successful, high-end greeting card company or that I've mastered the long-lost art of making balloon animals. I see dollar signs line up in my eyes like the winning jackpot...at the nickel slots. Then, I wake up-my heart pounding with the thoughts of further commercializing Valentine's Day for my own selfish, money-making contentment.

The truth is (the real truth): I hate Valentine's Day. If you are single in February of any given year, the world will not let you forget. Everywhere you turn, there are constant reminders of your pathetic singledom. If you are married or you are in a relationship of some kind, Valentine's Day easily becomes an obligatory annoyance, and an overly irritating one at that.

Valentine's Day also has a habit of making my mind wander to nagging reminders of my past and the ridiculousness of dating, especially in a place like Los Angeles. The memories float by in my head like some sort of surrealistic montage of romantic doom. Take the former naval officer that brought his incontinent canine with him on our first date. After thankfully dropping the diarrhea-scented dog off at his house, we went to dinner. There, over Spanish tapas, he accused me of being a lesbian. It turns out that his ego couldn't wrap itself around the fact that I was not falling head over heels for him. In his mind, there could only be one explanation for that. In turn, my brain couldn't wrap itself around his ego. It was so big and bulbous and throbbing, I thought it might explode.